Journal Entry from 3/27/04
[Warning this is Kinda Long and Kinda Boring. Plus it is pretty down time central... I feel better now that I am back in DC actually. I have Emporer's New Groove going, and everything is good now. Plus i just had 6 hours of music Blasting to clear my mind of all the nastyness... I Love You]
So Here I am in North Carolina this weekend. And coming down this weekend was a big mistake. Parents here or not, this place is degenerative to my soul. I hang out at my Grandparents' houses, It depressed me. I went to Chuckie Cheeses', that depressed me. I went to the boot store, that depressed me. I couldn't find anything to do all weekend long that didn't just make me feel bad inside. The only thing that made me feel somewhat better was my Mom, Dad, Jon, and Amanda. Oh, and getting my bike : ).
Chuck E Cheese:
On the way there my two cousins were in the back. I told them to ride in a different car so I didn't have to put up with them, but my Grand mother insisted on my car. It started just out of the drive way. They started poking me in the back of the head and laughing about it. I thought about telling them to knock it off, but instead turned around and asked if the music was too loud, or too soft. Trying to kill mean heartedness with kindness.
Soon there after they decided to stop. I was happy. Then they got quiet. Me being the paranoid person I am decided to look behind me and look at what they were doing. They had grabbed MY FUCKING JOURNAL from beside me had proceded to read parts, scribble their own DAMN words over part, and as I found later torn some of it out and assumedly thrown it out the window. These kids are 14 and 15. They should know better than to do stuff like that. Fortunately, this is one of my more sane, less emotional journals. But it did have some stuff that I had written with intent to put in my Psuedo Book, and thoughts on Jenni and stuff. It wasn't something I wanted anyone to really read without permission. But they did. THANK GOD I caught them about 4 or 5 pages in. Not far enought to really get into anything ... Interesting. I grabbed my journal, grabbed my pen. And everything else that they could FUCK with in the back and threw them all in the front passengers foot board. My sister then touched me reassuringly on the shoulder and pointed to the windsheild and she turned around and told them off for me. I was livid, pissed, and every other emotion at once. My sister stopped chastising them, and they got quiet for a bit, but with nothing to mess with I was okay. PLUS i had flipped down my rear view mirror so I could keep an eye on them.
We were only about 10 min from Chuck E Cheeses' so I was okay. I just kept on thinking that it was only another 10 min ... Then they started telling me the music was too loud. I thought Okay. I just am deaf. I turned it down. Then they said it was too soft. So I took it back up the one click I had just taken it down. It was too loud again ... So I told them I was going to gradually take it down and wanted them to tell me when it was okay. I pretended to take it down, and they told me to stop. I fooled them. I hadn't changed the volume at all. Plus I remembered I had taken all the sound to the front speakers to prevent from hurting thier ears. Then They started complaining about the music ... I told them to choose a station and I would turn to it. They told me one then told me to turn it to a CD cause they were in a phone a thon. I had a Techno CD in. They didn't like it. "Where are the words?" "Is your CD Player Skipping?" "What is wrong with this Music?" and on and on. So I changed to a Good Charlotte CD. Good Music. No Cuss words. It is a good Band. I like them DAMNIT. They started imitating them changing the words to stuff saying how crappy the music was. I couldn't take it anymore I turned off the music, and turned around and told them to shut it. They could tell I was pissed, but since we were at a stop light they just poked me in the forehead, and slapped my cheek like you would a mafia type from a movie.
I turned around, and when the light turned Gunned it. I flew infront of everyone determined to get to Chuck E before I did someting rash. I got to the next stoplight, and when the light changed a truck forced me to turn right by doing so himself. First I heard "Oh My GOD You are going to get us killed you are a psycho." Then I heard " You are lost see there is the hospital." Not missing the clue when they said the last I turned (as I was at a stoplight) and said as venomus and menacing as I could, "If you keep it up I will give us a reason to go there." Just trying to intimidate them and get them to SHUT THE HELL UP. "They said. "What?" and Amanda turned around and says "Did you not hear him?" Yeah they heard me. "And she goes then I guess you don't understand. What he said was Shut Up. Or he will leave you there and call your parents to come pick you up." They finally got the point and shut up.
Now we get to Chuck E.
[For the point of shortening the Blog I will shorten what I wrote and make it less wordy from here on out]
Once there in Chuck E. I realized that this one sucks. First off they have half (If that many) the games Mine at home did. They have broken ass games. And the ones that arn't broken are SHITTY. I have been to 4 STL chuckies, and 2 DC. But this one was no where near the caliber those were. Then my grandma spent like 80 bucks on tokens and told us to split them up. That is WAY to many. WAY WAY WAY to many. I felt bad that she was wasting her money. But they ran out before Amanda and I, who had been avoiding those two cousins, but hanging by ourselves or with Jessie and Jonathan. My cool cousin and little bro. So we ended up playing skee ball (on the two that weren't broken), Pin Ball (which Amanda didn't like), or racing games on thier one pair of those.
Then with out the distraction of good games I started to look around. Everytime I saw someone in Chuckie Uniforms that person reminded me of one of the people back in the one in St. Charles where I had worked. Then more often than not they made me think of Jenni. Nothing in this world. NOTHING depresses me more than thoughts of what I did to her. I spent 3 and a half years trying to make her happy, and now thinking of her makes me hate myself for being so ... Whatever I was to break up with her.
Anyway, I got Amanda and Jon, and we got the Hell out of there. Amanda and I still had like 30 tokens a piece. Jon and Jessi had like 15-20. And The two cousins had been sitting there for like 30 min scowling cause Grandma wouldn't buy them anymore. So Grandma decided to leave with the cousins, and since we had time to kill before meeting my parents at my other Grandma Kimbel's house, Amanda and I agreeed that going to the boot store would be fun. I needed to look at steel toed boots for work anyway.
Long story short. I didn't find any boots, but since I had taken Jenni there when she came to visit out there it was full of latent memories I didn't want to remember. Amanda I guess saw that I was getting sad or something, but she suggested we leave shortly after I discovered they didn't have steel toed boots in my size. Or maybe she just didn't find anything while looking either. I don't know.
On the way to my Grandma Kimbel's house (the one that didn't go to Chuckie) I kept on seeing places I had taken Jenni, and since she was on the brain memories kept on popping up. Then I kept on analyzing them, and more and more tourtured myself cause I couldn't figure why. I wanted to get smashed, or slit my wrists or something. I just wanted the DAMN FUCKING thoughts to stop. I pulled over and told Amanda she could drive. I know better than to drive emotional when someone I love is in the car. I care too much about them.
At my Grandma Kimbel's everything was fine. I had fun. We talked and what not. It was good. Then we came back to my Grandma Bunce's house. My Grandpa had already gone to bed. But she was still up. She started the same discussion I always end up hearing from her everytime I go down. The death discussion. I always try to get out of it. Always tell her I don't know them. But she doesn't care. Who Died, who is Dying, Who she thinks is most at risk for Dying ... The whole while My brain was screaming "I DON"T CARE. I DON'T KNOW THESE PEOPLE. I DON'T WANT TO HEAR THE SAD STORIES OF PEOPLE I DON'T EVEN KNOW. DON'T TELL ME THIS SHIT." And it was all I could do to keep those thought inside, cause I figure she may just need to vent ...
Fortunately after that LOVELY discuisson she went to bed. I was then able to talk to my parents for a bit. That cheered me up some, just being able to talk to them for a few hours. I told them that my vertigo has been fluxuating from good to bad. And that I have been forgetting shit more often lately. It was also good to see Amanda and Jon. I didn't see Jon that much, but Amanda and I hung out alot. And my parents told me that I need to get my own car soon, and that they may help with the cost.
[Now back to direct quote from my journal]
I want to hold her so bad. I want to be held back. I just want to be with her. I just want to be near her for a time cause I feel like that would make everything better. And I'm crying now so I am going to stop. I am getting worked up.
My immediate family was the only good part of the trip. And yeah they did make it worth while.
And I think "I drove Six Hours for This Shit?" I don't think I am going back down for a while. At least not until the Beach House is open. Cause Maybe there I can relax. Atleast I can go when no one else is there I think...
So Here I am in North Carolina this weekend. And coming down this weekend was a big mistake. Parents here or not, this place is degenerative to my soul. I hang out at my Grandparents' houses, It depressed me. I went to Chuckie Cheeses', that depressed me. I went to the boot store, that depressed me. I couldn't find anything to do all weekend long that didn't just make me feel bad inside. The only thing that made me feel somewhat better was my Mom, Dad, Jon, and Amanda. Oh, and getting my bike : ).
Chuck E Cheese:
On the way there my two cousins were in the back. I told them to ride in a different car so I didn't have to put up with them, but my Grand mother insisted on my car. It started just out of the drive way. They started poking me in the back of the head and laughing about it. I thought about telling them to knock it off, but instead turned around and asked if the music was too loud, or too soft. Trying to kill mean heartedness with kindness.
Soon there after they decided to stop. I was happy. Then they got quiet. Me being the paranoid person I am decided to look behind me and look at what they were doing. They had grabbed MY FUCKING JOURNAL from beside me had proceded to read parts, scribble their own DAMN words over part, and as I found later torn some of it out and assumedly thrown it out the window. These kids are 14 and 15. They should know better than to do stuff like that. Fortunately, this is one of my more sane, less emotional journals. But it did have some stuff that I had written with intent to put in my Psuedo Book, and thoughts on Jenni and stuff. It wasn't something I wanted anyone to really read without permission. But they did. THANK GOD I caught them about 4 or 5 pages in. Not far enought to really get into anything ... Interesting. I grabbed my journal, grabbed my pen. And everything else that they could FUCK with in the back and threw them all in the front passengers foot board. My sister then touched me reassuringly on the shoulder and pointed to the windsheild and she turned around and told them off for me. I was livid, pissed, and every other emotion at once. My sister stopped chastising them, and they got quiet for a bit, but with nothing to mess with I was okay. PLUS i had flipped down my rear view mirror so I could keep an eye on them.
We were only about 10 min from Chuck E Cheeses' so I was okay. I just kept on thinking that it was only another 10 min ... Then they started telling me the music was too loud. I thought Okay. I just am deaf. I turned it down. Then they said it was too soft. So I took it back up the one click I had just taken it down. It was too loud again ... So I told them I was going to gradually take it down and wanted them to tell me when it was okay. I pretended to take it down, and they told me to stop. I fooled them. I hadn't changed the volume at all. Plus I remembered I had taken all the sound to the front speakers to prevent from hurting thier ears. Then They started complaining about the music ... I told them to choose a station and I would turn to it. They told me one then told me to turn it to a CD cause they were in a phone a thon. I had a Techno CD in. They didn't like it. "Where are the words?" "Is your CD Player Skipping?" "What is wrong with this Music?" and on and on. So I changed to a Good Charlotte CD. Good Music. No Cuss words. It is a good Band. I like them DAMNIT. They started imitating them changing the words to stuff saying how crappy the music was. I couldn't take it anymore I turned off the music, and turned around and told them to shut it. They could tell I was pissed, but since we were at a stop light they just poked me in the forehead, and slapped my cheek like you would a mafia type from a movie.
I turned around, and when the light turned Gunned it. I flew infront of everyone determined to get to Chuck E before I did someting rash. I got to the next stoplight, and when the light changed a truck forced me to turn right by doing so himself. First I heard "Oh My GOD You are going to get us killed you are a psycho." Then I heard " You are lost see there is the hospital." Not missing the clue when they said the last I turned (as I was at a stoplight) and said as venomus and menacing as I could, "If you keep it up I will give us a reason to go there." Just trying to intimidate them and get them to SHUT THE HELL UP. "They said. "What?" and Amanda turned around and says "Did you not hear him?" Yeah they heard me. "And she goes then I guess you don't understand. What he said was Shut Up. Or he will leave you there and call your parents to come pick you up." They finally got the point and shut up.
Now we get to Chuck E.
[For the point of shortening the Blog I will shorten what I wrote and make it less wordy from here on out]
Once there in Chuck E. I realized that this one sucks. First off they have half (If that many) the games Mine at home did. They have broken ass games. And the ones that arn't broken are SHITTY. I have been to 4 STL chuckies, and 2 DC. But this one was no where near the caliber those were. Then my grandma spent like 80 bucks on tokens and told us to split them up. That is WAY to many. WAY WAY WAY to many. I felt bad that she was wasting her money. But they ran out before Amanda and I, who had been avoiding those two cousins, but hanging by ourselves or with Jessie and Jonathan. My cool cousin and little bro. So we ended up playing skee ball (on the two that weren't broken), Pin Ball (which Amanda didn't like), or racing games on thier one pair of those.
Then with out the distraction of good games I started to look around. Everytime I saw someone in Chuckie Uniforms that person reminded me of one of the people back in the one in St. Charles where I had worked. Then more often than not they made me think of Jenni. Nothing in this world. NOTHING depresses me more than thoughts of what I did to her. I spent 3 and a half years trying to make her happy, and now thinking of her makes me hate myself for being so ... Whatever I was to break up with her.
Anyway, I got Amanda and Jon, and we got the Hell out of there. Amanda and I still had like 30 tokens a piece. Jon and Jessi had like 15-20. And The two cousins had been sitting there for like 30 min scowling cause Grandma wouldn't buy them anymore. So Grandma decided to leave with the cousins, and since we had time to kill before meeting my parents at my other Grandma Kimbel's house, Amanda and I agreeed that going to the boot store would be fun. I needed to look at steel toed boots for work anyway.
Long story short. I didn't find any boots, but since I had taken Jenni there when she came to visit out there it was full of latent memories I didn't want to remember. Amanda I guess saw that I was getting sad or something, but she suggested we leave shortly after I discovered they didn't have steel toed boots in my size. Or maybe she just didn't find anything while looking either. I don't know.
On the way to my Grandma Kimbel's house (the one that didn't go to Chuckie) I kept on seeing places I had taken Jenni, and since she was on the brain memories kept on popping up. Then I kept on analyzing them, and more and more tourtured myself cause I couldn't figure why. I wanted to get smashed, or slit my wrists or something. I just wanted the DAMN FUCKING thoughts to stop. I pulled over and told Amanda she could drive. I know better than to drive emotional when someone I love is in the car. I care too much about them.
At my Grandma Kimbel's everything was fine. I had fun. We talked and what not. It was good. Then we came back to my Grandma Bunce's house. My Grandpa had already gone to bed. But she was still up. She started the same discussion I always end up hearing from her everytime I go down. The death discussion. I always try to get out of it. Always tell her I don't know them. But she doesn't care. Who Died, who is Dying, Who she thinks is most at risk for Dying ... The whole while My brain was screaming "I DON"T CARE. I DON'T KNOW THESE PEOPLE. I DON'T WANT TO HEAR THE SAD STORIES OF PEOPLE I DON'T EVEN KNOW. DON'T TELL ME THIS SHIT." And it was all I could do to keep those thought inside, cause I figure she may just need to vent ...
Fortunately after that LOVELY discuisson she went to bed. I was then able to talk to my parents for a bit. That cheered me up some, just being able to talk to them for a few hours. I told them that my vertigo has been fluxuating from good to bad. And that I have been forgetting shit more often lately. It was also good to see Amanda and Jon. I didn't see Jon that much, but Amanda and I hung out alot. And my parents told me that I need to get my own car soon, and that they may help with the cost.
[Now back to direct quote from my journal]
I want to hold her so bad. I want to be held back. I just want to be with her. I just want to be near her for a time cause I feel like that would make everything better. And I'm crying now so I am going to stop. I am getting worked up.
My immediate family was the only good part of the trip. And yeah they did make it worth while.
And I think "I drove Six Hours for This Shit?" I don't think I am going back down for a while. At least not until the Beach House is open. Cause Maybe there I can relax. Atleast I can go when no one else is there I think...
posted by ScrAgnX at 3/28/2004 04:01:00 PM
<< Home