You Asked the Question, Here's My Answer in Full

I was asked earlier today

"What do you mean by you think you can feel SAX again? What do you mean by you don't know what you think about that?"

For anyone wondering about the away message, and for those of you that weren't before, but are now ... Here is the message and what it meant to me, why I posted it so prominently.

I can feel SAX setting in again.
I don't know how I feel about that.

I can actually see myself letting go of things that started to mean things to me. The cartoons that I watched religiously when I got here, the working out every other day no matter what, the playing games to pass the time. Camaraderie has fallen, and I don't even begin to care right now about the fact that I have to drive long times to and from work everyday.

SAX was a nickname from high school. Secret Agent X ... Who'd have though it. At any rate, It was given to me at the homecoming dance cause I stood there, not noticing anything, not really seeming to have fun or not have fun. Just there to observe almost. I was told that I looked like a spook standing there, and the nickname stuck. Probably cause Jenni was the one that gave it to me and I love her alot.

So SAX was the name that I gave to the voice inside my head. The one that encouraged me through tough times. The part of me that helped me out. That shut out everything that I didn't need, and gave me only what it took to live. It made things easier, it was what I was through out high school ... A machine. Very little did I try to bond or any of that crap. Very little did I care to.

Lately, as I said earlier, I have stooped giving a shit about a lot. Unfortunately the one thing that I valued most about my "alter-ego," its very little need for Love, is Gone. So... I am lost. Not feeling for anything that I want to feel for, feeling for that I don't particularly care to...

The reason I don't like this, is two fold. One, I like to feel things since I started letting those feelings in. I like being the Pseudo Popular guy that I am at school. I like having that bond with people. I like feeling for them, and feeling that they feel for me back. But I don't have those types of feelings anymore. I have blocked them all off. I have shut off that emotional link to almost all of my friends, I don't know whether or how to turn it back on. But the feelings it was "designed" to block are still flowing and ebbing in my conscience thought processes.

The second reason is based on what I learned in Psychology class. It is from Maslow's Hierarchy. It means that something that I had built on the past few years is gone to me. That really disturbs me. I like having that piece of the hierarchal triangle. Plus it means that Psychology isn't debatable, it means that we all do have these needs and that I can't get away from Maslow's philosophy.

I haven't been drinking. I haven't been working out. I haven't been dating. I haven't been playing games. I haven't been bonding with people. I haven't been watching cartoons. I haven't been shooting my gun. And the sad thing is I haven't cared to do any of these things that made me Me. But I still hurt.

SAX is back, and I am in all business mode. Work, Eat, Sleep. Maybe something else occasionally ... That is the best I can explain it.