My Damn Head Hurts...

Okay. Today I decided not to take any pain meds except the stuff that the Neurologist gave me. My Fucking God Damn Head Hurts so *Explitives Deleted* bad.

Um... I got the car titled, tagged, and insured today.

Now I just have to get it to pass inspections and I will be set. I cleaned it out some today too. I got bored sitting around all day.

Um. Yeah that's it.

Damnit all to hell

I hate my damn head.

Why does it persist on hurting? Can't it stop?

Damnit.

The stupid thing has been hurting for almost a week with Migraine type strength. And no amount of Advil, Amitriptiline, and Excedrine Migraine will stop it.

Maybe I should take a day off to rest... We'll see...

Migraines and Chincanes

Okay.

This would normally be a long blog from the standpoint that I haven't posted in a while. But it won't be cause nothing really happened.

I guess I'll start about a week ago. I started to get a headache. Nothing major. Just a minor ache. That started to compound over the week. On Thursday night it became a migraine. I was in pain, and it started the vertigo worse. I was halfway up the stairs when the vertigo started up really bad in one of it's pulses, and I fell down half the staircase.

Since then I have been curled up in my bed most of the time until this morning when I went out and began to venture. I went out to the firebird intent on getting it to run good. Well, I unplugged the TPS, throttle position sensor, the thing that lets the throttle talk to the computer, and it should have not worked. Instead, the thing turned right over, and started to run beautifuly. I am so pissed that it is working, but I am happy. I just don't know if it will pass inspection like that. I don't know... it is an interesting problem really.

Beats the hell out of me. That has been my week in short. Any longer and my head would break free of the medications, and put me back in pain again.

Later all

Oh, and a Chincane is a short jog in a auto race track where the track does a sharp exagerated 'S' and is tough to drive through. Just a termonology lesson for those of you whose life doesn't revolve aroudn GT3. hehehe...

Back Online

Yay...
 
 
I'm back on the internet again. It took long enough for the DSL company to fix it. I promise more updates sometime later on...
 
Maybe...

Brad Paisley : "Whiskey Lullabye"

She put him out
Like the burning end of a midnight cigarette
She broke his heart
He spent his whole life trying to forget

We watched him drink his pain away
A little bit at a time
But he never could get drunk enough
To get her off his mind
Until the night

He put the bottle to his head and pulled the trigger
He finally drank away her memory
Life is short
But this time it was bigger
Than the strength he had to get up off his knees

We found him with his face down in the pillow
With a note that says I’ll love her till I die
And when we buried him beneath the willow
The angels sang a whiskey lullaby

The rumors flew
But nobody knew
How much she blamed herself
For years and years
She tried to hide the whisky on her breath

She finally drank her pain away
A little at a time
But she never could get drunk enough
To get him off her mind
Until the night

She put the bottle to her head and pulled the trigger
And finally drank away his memory
Life is short but this time it was bigger
Than the strength she had to get up off her knees

We found her with her face down in the pillow
Clinging to his picture for dear life
We laid her next to him beneath the willow
While the angels sang a whisky lullaby

Hmm...

Well...

I told my Mom about everything, I wrote it all in a note and told her not to say anything til she had finished reading it all. She read it all, and then understood alot of what has been going on in my life the past nine months or so.

She now understands my reasons for alot of things alot better, and she understands why I need to do or not do certian things, and she isn't acting funny really, so I think that she understands most of it. She is being a little more considerate thought.

I went to Six Flags today, and it was fun. I really enjoyed it. Jenni, Amanda, and I went.

Roller Coasters + Vertigo Boy = Bad Idea.

But despite the obvious above, I tried them anyway. It was pretty sweet in the end cause it really really threw me bad to go on them. I was back to holding on to stuff to walk for about twenty min after Batman, and after Freeze ... It was like hours. The Food sucked, and we had to wait in line three times for the Freeze cause it kept closing when we would get to the front of the line, but it was a lot of fun going to the park today.

Jenni knew about my arm, and Amanda didn't see it. So that was probably a good thing. Less to explain to her. And that way she doesn't get any ideas or anything. Not that I think that she is depressed, but I do think that she is down.

I am so glad that I am back talking to Jenni again. And so glad that I am seeing so much of her. It relaxes me so much to be around her cause I had been so close over the three and a half years we spent together. I actually slept ten hours last night, and I had a nap in the afternoon too. I have been sleeping so well lately, and sorry if this offends, but I am truely at ease for the first time in a long time. I had tried everything to bring back my peace of mind, when all it took was finding an old and dear friend again.

Bobby is moving, So that is kinda weird. No more stumbling home drunk at 5 in the morning, or walking to his place to hang out. So sad. He has lived there since I have been here in Missouri, and it is just weird. Any who, I helped him move some stuff a few days ago, and unfortunately this is the week that he is moving to the apartment else i would be hanging out with him more. But he is busy with all that, and I would just be in the way for the most part. But I will be back here in STL in four weeks. Then it is back to the suckiness that is Rolla.

I am thinking about camping some next semester. That sounds like fun. And I thought about going to Johnsons shut-ins with the guys, and cooking out once a month, and a few other "male bonding" things. But... The camping probably won't be with them ... Dunno.

I havn't felt the need to have any alcohol at all this week. At All. That is really strange. I dont' think that it was ever me being an alcoholic, it was just me trying to get away from the pain I was feeling inside. And to tell the absolute honest truth, I have barely had a day when I didn't want to drink since last October. I didn't drink everyday, but most days I did want to. I did want to get drunk and forget everything. I will post an awesome song next. But about two to three weeks ago, my wanting to dwindled alot. Then this week, I havn't wanted to drink at all. I went out with Bobby Mike and Rene, I had two beers with dinner. But that was a social type of thing, and I didn't want more even though I wasn't paying.

I had no need for the alcohol. It did taste really good, and it is weird, but I do like the taste of beer. But I don't really want to drink anymore. Not unless it is just one or two for a social, good flavor type of thing. No more midnight, hundred dollar, Alcohol runs to Walmart cause I really want to drink. Possibly the end of TNDC, and MNDC, WNDC, RNDC, FNDC, SNDC, and SSUD. If you don't know and do ask. It is something I don't really want to go over right now.

Life is good. Life is life again.
Life is near. Life is me again.

Dunno. That is all I really have.

I really am not trying to hurt anyone, or make any sort of statement in this blog, it is just real life, real situations, real solutions.

If anything in this post is offensive to you, or someone you know Please contact me at 1-800-DNT-CARE.

No animals were harmed in the writing of this blog. Except the ten dogs, two cats, and the horse. Oh, The chinchilla ... wasn't me.

I.L.U.

EOM

Coming clean

Tonight ... will be tough. When my mom gets home from church, I am going to tell her some about the past few months. About the whole being depressed all the time for months on end, and all that jazz. I get the feeling that I am going to get yelled at for it, and it isn't going to be easy to tell her about.

But I need to do it. I have known for a while that I need to do it. I just need to figure out how to do it...

I guess I will see what happens. Bobby, I will tell you too if you want to know dude.

Poem Six

I'd do anything I could.
Just to have you in my arms.
You're forever a part of me,
I'd do anything just to make you laugh.

Cause your smile brings me to my knees.
It makes me so happy just to see it.
I used to not know what I wanted with you,
But now I know we just fit.

We just fit together now.
Nothing could pull me away.
We could run away together,
Be together forever, what would they all say?

I'd do anything just to be in your arms now.
Do anything just to fall asleep with you.
I'd sleep more soundly if you were with me,
Cause you'd be there too.

It may sound very hokey,
It may sound so trite.
But I close my eyes,
And you are there, you are my sun you are my light.

You were the single light in my darkest hours.
You were the hope that I clinged to the most.
You were with me when everyone else had abandoned.
And so for you ... This crappy poem I now Post.


Simple Plan : "I'd Do Anything"

"I close my eyes
And all I see is you
I close my eyes
I try to sleep
I can't forget you
And I'd do anything for you."

All 4 One : "I Can Love You Like That"

They read you Cinderella
You hoped it would come true
That one day your prince charming
Would come rescue you
You like romantic movies
And you never will forget
The way it felt when Romeo kissed Juliet

And all this time that you've been waiting
You don't have to wait no more

(Chorus)
I can love you like that
I would make you my world
Move heaven and earth if you were my girl
I will give you my heart
Be all that you need
Show you you're everything
That's precious to me
If you give me a chance
I can love you like that

I'd love you like that
I could love you like that

I never make a promise
I don't intend to keep
So when I say forever,
Forever's what I mean
Well, I'm no Casanova but
I swear this much is true
I'll be holding nothing back
When it comes to you

You dream of love that's everlasting
Well, baby open up your eyes

I can love you like that
I would make you my world
Move heaven and earth if you were my girl
I will give you my heart
Be all that you need
Show you you're everything
That's precious to me
If you give me a chance
I can love you like that

If you want tenderness, I've got tenderness
And I see thru to the heart of you
If you want a man, who will understand
You don't have to look very far

I can love you, I can love you, love you

I can love you like that
I would make you my world
Move heaven and earth if you were my girl
I will give you my heart
Be all that you need
Show you you're everything
That's precious to me
If you give me a chance
I can love you like that

Last Night

Last night I had a wonderful night.

It was perfect yet too short somehow.

It's funny how you forget about the simple little things that make you happy. The way someone brushes thier hair back a certian way, or the way they smile, or the way they hate ice, and so they pull it out of thier drink, and put it in yours.

I felt so at ease last night, I havn't felt that way in a long time now. And I had forgotten how it felt to just relax entirely. Hmm ... For lack of my own words to describe it..

THE USED - Blue And Yellow Lyrics

"And it's all in how you mix the two
and it starts just where the light exists
it's a feeling that you cannot miss
and it burns a hole
through everyone that feels it

well your never gonna find it
if your looking for it
won't come your way
well you'll never find it
if your looking for it

should've done something but I've done it enough
by the way your hands were shaking
rather waste some time with you

and you never would have though in the end
how amazing it feels just to live again
it's a feeling that you cannot miss
it burns a hole through everyone that feels it

should've said something but I've said it enough
by the way my words were faded
rather waste some time with you"

I am sorry for what I have done. I don't want to ever lose you again. Sorry I didn't trust in you more.