Blah...

You know. Sometimes I just hate life.

I'm tired. I'm sick. And I am worse off vertigo wise.

And... I'm alone.

The good news is... I found a nickel... No that isn't it. Oh yeah. I am going to MO next week. I hope that it will be a week of relaxing. Atleast somewhat. I have been busting my ass for over two weeks to go out there for one week.

Oh. And I am now below 170. I am at 168. Yay me.

That's my blog for today. I'm going to bed again now. Maybe tomorrow will be shorter... Then again, I doubt it highly.

Mark Willis : "I Do (Cherish You)"

All I am, all I'll be
Everything in this world
All that I'll ever need
Is in your eyes, shinin' at me
When you smile I can feel
All my passion unfolding
Your hair brushes mine
And a thousand sensations
Seduce me cause I
I do, cherish you
For the rest of my life
You don't have to think twice
I will, love you still
From the depths of my soul
It's beyond my control
I've waited so long to say this to you
If you're asking do I love you this much
I do
In my world before you
I lived outside my emotions
I didn't know where I was goin'
Till that day I found you
How you opened my life to a new paradise
In a world torn by change
Still with all my heart
Till my dyin' day
I do, cherish you
For the rest of my life
You don't have to think twice
I will, love you still
From the depths of my soul
It's beyond my control
I've waited so long to say this to you
If you're asking do I love you this much
Yes I do
If you're askin' do I love you this much
I do
Oh I do

Kenny Chesney : "The Good Stuff"

Well, me an' my lady had our first big fight,
So I drove around 'til I saw the neon light.
A corner bar, an it just seemed right.
So I pulled up.

Not a soul around but the old bar keep,
Down at the end an' looking half asleep.
An he walked up, an' said : "What'll it be?"
I said: "The good stuff."

He didn't reach around for the whiskey;
He didn't pour me a beer.
His blue eyes kinda went misty,
He said: "You can't find that here.

"'Cos it's the first long kiss on a second date.
"Momma's all worried when you get home late.
"And droppin' the ring in the spaghetti plate,
"'Cos your hands are shakin' so much.
"An' it's the way that she looks with the rice in her hair.
"Eatin' burtn suppers the whole first year
"An' askin' for seconds to keep her from tearin' up.
"Yeah, man, that's the good stuff."

He grabbed a carton of milk an' her poured a glass.
An' I smiled an' said: "I'll have some of that."
We sat there an' talked as an hour passed,
Like old friends.

I saw a black an' white picture an' it caught my stare,
It was a pretty girl with bouffant hair.
He said: "That's my Bonnie,
"Taken 'bout a year after we were wed."

He said "Spent five years in the bar,
"When the cancer took her from me.
"But I've been sober three years now,
"'Cos the one thing stronger than the whiskey:

"Was the sight of her holdin' my baby girl.
"The way she adored that string of pearls,
"I gave her the day that our youngest boy, Earl,
"Married his high school love."
"An' it's a new tee-shirt saying: 'I'm a Grandpa'.
"Bein' right there as our time got small,
"An' holdin' her hand, when the Good Lord called her up,
"Yeah, man, that's the good stuff."

He said: "When you get home, she'll start to cry.
"When she says: 'I'm sorry,' say: 'So am I.'
"An' look into those eyes, so deep in love,
"An' drink it up.
"'Cos that's the good stuff.
"That's the good stuff.

Brooks and Dunn : "You'll Always Be Loved By Me"

I know forever is a long long time
For a girl to put her heart on the line
Trust is a tight rope we all have to walk
Baby don't be afraid I won't let you fall
With a little faith mountains move
You and me we can't lose

You can count on the sun to rise
And stars to come out at night
As long as there's air to breathe
You'll always be loved by me

Love comes so many times goes
So much out there we'll never know
Call it fate call it destiny
But I think we were meant to be
This old world it spins so fast
So many times they just don't last

You can count on the sun to rise
And stars to come out at night
As long as there's air to breathe
You'll always be loved by me

You can count on the sun to rise
And stars to come out at night
As long as there's air to breathe
You'll always be loved by me

You'll always be loved by me

Andy Griggs : "You Won't Ever Be Lonely"

Life may not always go your way
And every once in awhile you might have a bad day
But I promise you now you won't ever be lonely
The sky turns dark and everything goes wrong
Run to me and I'll leave the light on
And I promise you now you won't ever be lonely

For as long as I live
There will always be a place you belong
Here beside me
Heart and soul baby -- you only
And I promise you now you won't ever be lonely

It's still gonna snow and it's still gonna rain
The wind's gonna blow on a cold winter day
And I promise you now you won't ever be lonely
You're safe from the world wrapped in my arms
And I'll never let go
Baby, here's where it starts
And I promise you now you won't ever be lonely
Here's a shoulder you can cry on
And a love you can rely on
For as long as I live
There will always be a place you belong

Here beside me
Heart and soul baby -- you only
And I promise you now you won't ever be lonely
No, no, you won't ever be lonely

George Straight : "Write This Down"

Write this down

I never saw the end in sight
Fools are kind of blind
Thought everything was going alright
But I was running out of time
’cause you had one foot out the door

I swear I didn’t see
But if you’re rally going away
Here’s some final words from me

Chorus:
Baby, write this down, take a little note
To remind you in case you didn’t know
Tell yourself I love you and I don’t want you to go
Write this down
Take my words, read’em everday
Keep’em close by don’t you let’em fade away
So you’ll remember what I forgot to say
Write this down

I’ll sign it at the bottom of this page
I’ll swear under oath
’cause every single word is true
And I think you need to know
So use it as a bookmark

Repeat chorus:

Stick it on your ’frigerator door
Hang it in a picture frame up above the mantel
Where you’ll see it for sure

Repeat chorus:

You can find a chisel, I can find a stone
Folks will be reading these words, long after we’re gone

Oh I love you and I don’t want you to go

Baby write this down

I Hate This Place

This is going to be a barrage of things. I don't have the energy right now to put it all into paragraph form as I normally do. Sorry, I know it makes it harder to read.

I just worked another 12 hour day. I am so fucking tired right now it isn't even funny.

Work sucks, everything I do gets fucked up. The past two days I have done nothing but fail at all the attempted circuits I have made.

I was going to hang out with the other coops, and meet them in Springfield, bout an hour and ten min from my house, But they were all too wussy to drive the 20 min to hang out. They wanted me to drive up there, With traffic, which would have put my drive up there to around an hour and a half. Fuck that. They all need to stop the sand... If you get this you must be Bobby or Mike.

So I decided to come home instead. Actually the drive home was nice. I did around 80 to 90 most of the way. I got home in close to record time. The greatest part about that though, I was one of the slower cars. Today was a once a month driving condition day. Which was good, I needed to unwind a little bit.

And yeah that leaves me here. Bored and Alone. If anyone wants to talk, I'll be here. If not, that's cool too.

Some good things have happened recently, but not anything spectacular. Not everything sucks I guess, but I can't talk about the good things... Which makes it suck all the more.

"Yeah, but God Help Me I Still Love Her..."

All the quotes are things I have said today to a friend of mine that I am talking through a rough time, and the funny thing is All of them were just lightly skimmed off the top of my heart. I guess that is how I feel...

He is having problems somewhat like mine, only not at all. I don't think that I can be any more clear, or ambiguous. I think that is the only explination possible without typing alot, and I need to sleep.

I have had a really shitty day... It won't relent. In fact the only part of it that was good was the fact that I offered some wisdom to a friend.

My only hope is that it helped out some. Every now and then I let a Nougget of Truth slip out...

Anyway, My Day Sucked and unless you are going to cheer me up, please don't call me. Or if you need me for some reason I guess.

Feel free to leave me Up beat and Happy AIM's though, that way I can wake to a happy thought...

"Sometimes you have to throw your cards down and fold, sometimes you have to bluff, and ride it all the way in. The only one that can make that choice is you. And the only way you can make that choice is to look everyone else at the table in the eyes, and see what they are holding to thier chests."

"And all I can tell you is that at times women are the most fantastic things in the world. You are happy as can be, and everything is good. The next min, your standing there holding what used to be your heart, and crying, honest to god crying, wondering what the hell just happened."

"I know alot of shit that I don't let onto."

"Some of the best friendships are nothing but love."

More to come tomorrow or Thursday.... We'll have to see...

What ... You Still Read This Crap?

Um... Yeah. Not much happened today. I am busy as hell at work, I went to the shrink lady, and I hung out with Jessica.

Not too much more than that.

You can stop reading now.

Damnit STOP !!!

Fine More Info...

I have way too many projects going at work. The good news is I found a... I can work all the overtime I want to for a while. Unless everyone else is out of the bldg. I have to have at least one other person there with me... non coop person. Damn rules.

The shrink and I talked for a while. While I was there I lost my badge, which is a big thing around there. Then I found it so it was all okay. Yeah ... She dosen't know what is causing the vertigo either, though she said it sounded like I was putting myself and all others around me in danger while driving with a "unspecified illness." "I've had a few, but I'm cool to drive"Dr. Farnsworth... I think that I am Okay to drive though, and I would think that the 12000+ Miles I have driven since this all started would attest that I can drive alright... I don't know though.

I worked on my pic while waiting to see her. It is turning out to be pretty sweet. I need to talk to JR to figure out if I can post it on here or not. I don't know exactly how all that works and so on and so forth. If not, I will see about posting it on my rolla account webpage when i go home for making up my speech work.

And then I went to Jessica's where I just sorta hung out for a while. We watched Wheel of Fortune, Jeoparody, Charmed, Crossing Jordan, and some other show. It was good, I had alot of fun. It is nice to hang out with friends every now and again.

And for those of you counting my calories ... not more than 1300 today. :(. I know that's bad. I am trying to force myself to eat more, but I really don't want to throw up. I am getting better with it though... I suppose I could eat more caloric foods, but then that would be really fatty and what not.

Anyway, that was my day. I get to go to the beach this weekend. Sucks to be you loosers that arn't going...

I keed... I keed... No, it really does suck that all yall can't come out and join me. I would like that... well maybe not you

... Just kidding :).

Well, that's my story and I'm stickin too it.

I'm done.

To Fake Bake, Or Not To Fake Bake

Today was about as interesting as yesterday... by that I mean it wasn't. Again with the laying in bed all day long, and playing video games.

It wasn't a bad day though. I tried on pants that havn't fit since highschool, and they fit. I got a hair cut, and it is fantastic, exactly what I was looking for. And I went to Subway to eat, and the girl that took care of me put her number on my ticket.

Unfortunately I don't date highschool girls...

But, anywho... That was my day. How was yours? Oh, and I am not going to get a tattoo, it is too permanant for me. But I am thinking about going tanning though, I will be going to the beach next weekend, and I don't want to look too pastey white. I don't normally burn, but I didn't go out in the sun much last summer.

I havn't had a drink now since I drank some with Bobby and Mike last weekend, and before that... I don't remember. So I am doing good on that front. Tomorrow, I am seeing the shirnk again. She is nice. I hope she doesn't say I am crazy and take away my job family and kids ... wait, I only have to fear losing my job... Okay, well, I don't want to lose that do I? And then I will be hanging out afterwards with Jessica since I will be up that way anyway.

So to all of you out there, where ever you are.
Remember the light at the end of the tunnel may be you, Goodnight.

Today ...

Today was interesting.

Okay, not really. I laid in bed all day long playing Kingdom Hearts. I signed up for classes, or rather, I sent to my Advisor to get those classes approved. And, yeah, that's about it.

I ate brunch at 10:30 ish this morning, it was left over lamb and rice from last night, not too much left though. And I forgot to eat anything else for the rest of the day. Well, I had a few rolls of smarties, but that would be it. So I just ate some Peanut Butter, and some Jam to bring up those calories to around ... 660. I know, I know that is way way to friggin low. But I wasn't hungry, I didn't do anything, and lately everytime I eat I feel like being sick for a few hours after.

That is all I did today, it may sound nice being able to relax and do nothing all day. But in fact it is nice, except for the fact that now at the end of the day I am still here, and nothing has changed.

Lonestar : "One More Day"

Last night I had a crazy dream
Wish was granted just for me
It could be for anything
I didn't ask for money
or a mansion in Malibu
I simply wished for one more day with you

One More Day
One more time
one more sunset maybe I'd be satisfied
but then again I know what it would do
Leave me wishing still for one more day with you

First thing I'd do for time to crawl
I'd unplug the telephone
keep the TV off
I'd hold you every second
Say a million "I love yous"
That's what I'd do with one more day with you

One more day
One more time
one more sunset maybe I'd be satisfied
but then again I know what it would do
Leave me wishing still for one more day with you

Trick Pony : "Just What I Do"

Jesse James was an outlaw man
He was always breakin' the law
Six guns firing from both his hands
Fastest you ever saw
Did he do it for the money
Or was it for the fame
Finally somebody asked him
Jesse, why you wanna rob them trains
And Jessie said
It's just what I do when I can't get no lovin'
It's just what I do when I can't get no lovin'
I'm the meanest hombre you ever saw
'Cause lately I ain't gettin' no lovin' at all
It's just what I do
It's just what I do
Well Orville Wright
Set his sights
High up in the air
Him and Wilbur worked day and night
He didn't seem to care
Well the town folk said if you were meant to fly
God would have given you wings
What makes you want to spend all of your time
Building that flying machine
And Orville said
It's just what I do when I can't get no lovin'
It's just what I do when I can't get no lovin'
I'm the first flight boy you ever saw
'Cause lately I ain't gettin' no lovin' at all
It's just what I do
It's just what I do
Ooh yeah
Well Picasso painted them pictures
There was beauty in every stroke
When asked about his motivation
He said, I think it's about time you should know
It's just what I do when I can't get no lovin'
It's just what I do when I can't get no lovin'
I'm the workinest painter that you ever saw
'Cause lately I ain't gettin' no lovin' at all
It's just what I do
It's just what I do
It's just what I do
It's just what I do when I can't get no lovin'

You Asked the Question, Here's My Answer in Full

I was asked earlier today

"What do you mean by you think you can feel SAX again? What do you mean by you don't know what you think about that?"

For anyone wondering about the away message, and for those of you that weren't before, but are now ... Here is the message and what it meant to me, why I posted it so prominently.

I can feel SAX setting in again.
I don't know how I feel about that.

I can actually see myself letting go of things that started to mean things to me. The cartoons that I watched religiously when I got here, the working out every other day no matter what, the playing games to pass the time. Camaraderie has fallen, and I don't even begin to care right now about the fact that I have to drive long times to and from work everyday.

SAX was a nickname from high school. Secret Agent X ... Who'd have though it. At any rate, It was given to me at the homecoming dance cause I stood there, not noticing anything, not really seeming to have fun or not have fun. Just there to observe almost. I was told that I looked like a spook standing there, and the nickname stuck. Probably cause Jenni was the one that gave it to me and I love her alot.

So SAX was the name that I gave to the voice inside my head. The one that encouraged me through tough times. The part of me that helped me out. That shut out everything that I didn't need, and gave me only what it took to live. It made things easier, it was what I was through out high school ... A machine. Very little did I try to bond or any of that crap. Very little did I care to.

Lately, as I said earlier, I have stooped giving a shit about a lot. Unfortunately the one thing that I valued most about my "alter-ego," its very little need for Love, is Gone. So... I am lost. Not feeling for anything that I want to feel for, feeling for that I don't particularly care to...

The reason I don't like this, is two fold. One, I like to feel things since I started letting those feelings in. I like being the Pseudo Popular guy that I am at school. I like having that bond with people. I like feeling for them, and feeling that they feel for me back. But I don't have those types of feelings anymore. I have blocked them all off. I have shut off that emotional link to almost all of my friends, I don't know whether or how to turn it back on. But the feelings it was "designed" to block are still flowing and ebbing in my conscience thought processes.

The second reason is based on what I learned in Psychology class. It is from Maslow's Hierarchy. It means that something that I had built on the past few years is gone to me. That really disturbs me. I like having that piece of the hierarchal triangle. Plus it means that Psychology isn't debatable, it means that we all do have these needs and that I can't get away from Maslow's philosophy.

I haven't been drinking. I haven't been working out. I haven't been dating. I haven't been playing games. I haven't been bonding with people. I haven't been watching cartoons. I haven't been shooting my gun. And the sad thing is I haven't cared to do any of these things that made me Me. But I still hurt.

SAX is back, and I am in all business mode. Work, Eat, Sleep. Maybe something else occasionally ... That is the best I can explain it.

Our Lady Peace : "Somewhere Out there"

Last time I talked to you,
you were lonely and out of place.

You were looking down on me,
lost out in space.

Laid underneath the stars,
strung out and feeling brave.

Watch their red orange glow,
watch them float away.

Down here in the atmosphere,
garbage and city lights,
you gotta save your tired soul,
you gotta save our lives.

Turn on the radio,
to find you on sattellite,
I'm waiting for the sky to fall,
I'm waiting for a sign.

All we are is all so far.

You're falling back to me,
the star that I can't see.
I know you're out there,
somewhere out there.

You're falling out of reach,
defying gravity,
I know you're out there,
somewhere out there.

Hope you remember me,
when you're homesick and need a change.
I miss your purple hair,
I miss the way you taste.

I know you'll come back someday,
on a bed of nails awake.
I'm praying that you don't burn out,
or fade away.

All we are is all so far

You're falling back to me,
the star that I can't see.
I know you're out there,
somewhere out there.

You're falling out of reach,
defying gravity,
I know you're out there,
somewhere out there.

You're falling back to me,
the star that I can't see.
I know you're out there, oh.
You're falling out of reach,
defying gravity....

I know you're out there,
somewhere out there.

You're falling back to me,
the star that I can't see.
I know you're out there,
somewhere out there.

You're falling out of reach,
defying gravity,
I know you're out there,
somewhere out there.

You're falling back to me.

Well I know,
I know.

You're falling out of reach.
I know...

Nuthin Much Really

So not much happened today. I am just chillin. I have started to design something. I think that I would like to have it Tattoo'd on my arm, but I don't know yet. I am still unsure, as it is permanant.

If you want to know what the design looks like, ask me and I will describe it otherwise you can all be surprised later on if I do decided to get it tattoo'd.

Other than that not too much happening. Just chillin. I am going to be working alot of overtime so that I can come back the first week in May to make up some missed school work. Then I am going to be working hella overtime so I can go to the beach with Bobby and spend a week just chillin with my best friend. We ain't gonna do shit. Just sit around on the beach, and drink all week long.

That is all I really have. If you want to know more about any of these topics, or are curious about any other aspects of my life ... Too Bad ... HAHAHA ... No just IM me. For those of you who don't know SCRAGNX on AIM.

As if the Really Big Ass Blog wasn't enough...

Just a little more for ya all.

I am sick of Rain. I havn't seen the sun except for like 4 hours on Sunday in the past 2 weeks. There have been some nice days, but I worked hella late on those days so I could go out to Missouri.

Also, I threw up today after lunch at work, and I feel like shit. I think it is the whole vertigo thing, but I may have a flu or something on top of it. I don't know. I am alright, I just feel queasy and stuff.

Yellowcard : "Ocean Avenue"

There's a place off Ocean Avenue
Where I used to sit and talk with you
We were both 16 and it felt so right
Sleeping all day, staying up all night
Staying up all night

There's a place on the corner of Cherry Street
We would walk on the beach in our bare feet
We were both 18 and it felt so right
Sleeping all day, staying up all night
Staying up all night

If I could find you now things would get better
We could leave this town and run forever
Let your waves crash down on me and take me away

There's a piece of you that's here with me
It's everywhere I go, it's everything I see
When I sleep, I dream and it gets me by
I can make believe that you're here tonight
That you're here tonight

If I could find you now things would get better
We could leave this town and run forever
I know somewhere, somehow we'll be together
Let your waves crash down on me and take me away

I remember the look in your eyes
When I told you that this was goodbye
You were begging me not tonight
Not here, not now
We're looking up at the same night sky
And keep pretending the sun will not rise
Be together for one more night
Somewhere, somehow

If I could find you now things would get better
We could leave this town and run forever
I know somewhere, somehow we'll be together
Let your waves crash down on me and take me away

One Long Mother Fuckin Blog

Kay. So as the title entails this will be one really really long post. Maybe not, but I have alot on my mind so I imagine it will be. First things First.

Recently I have started trying to watch what I eat (and drink for that matter). I had some beer while hanging out with Bobby and Mike last weekend, but I consider that a special ocassion. The two reasons I have been watching what I eat and drink is the vertigo thing, and I want to lose weight. There are a few reasons for wanting to lose weight one of which is to feel better about myself, one is for you, and the last is so that I can do better...

Speaking of Doing better ... For anyone who doesn't know my floors rules are Don't Suck, Don't Be Gay, and Do Better.

I want to be able to do everything better. I am sick of being a fat slow guy that can't do anything right. Anyway I got off on a tangent. The vertigo thing...

That has been getting worse and better lately. There is no telling if I am going to wake up feeling better or worse the next day. I have logged my sleeping hours, my eating habits, how much alcohol I have drank. Everything I could think to log. Something that I didn't think about til my Dad found it on the internet this weekend is that Aspartame (you know the Artificial Sugar in every diet soda, diet food, and many more things) has been unofficially linked to vertigo and associated symptoms that I am experiencing.

What other symptoms you may ask? I will list some of those for people who don't know: Vertigo, Memory Problems, Troubles reading (takes alot of effort and longer than before), Massive Headaches, More Depressed Feelings, Insomnia, Lack of Appitite, Feeling Sick after Forcing Myself to Eat, Irritibility (Probably due to having this shit), and some other minor things. That is basically the complete list. Some of these things are more recent than others. And I wonder if some are associted with the being Vertigoie for so long.

At any rate. Those are the symptoms, and they have been found to be associated with the consumption of Aspartame. Seeing as I only drank diet sodas before... I don't know, Maybe I am grasping at straws now, But I need to try to do something since nothing is working. So No more Asperatame for me for a month to see what happens.

My weekend I guess is the next thing on the brain. It was okay I suppose, it was really really busy until Sunday. Then it slowed down for the afternoon, then kicked back up.

Friday I got in at 5 in the evening, I went home, and called Bobby shortly there after to see if he wanted to come eat dinner with us since we were barbequeing outside in the pre rain coolness. He said that he had dinner already, but told me to call him in a bit when I was done. I did, and I went over there to hang out. We were there for a bit when Mike came over.

Mike chilled for a bit, and then he remembered to Officially tell me that he and Rene were engaged. Then he asked me to be a groomsman. I accepted, and it will be sometime next year. Then he went to pick up Rene and left Bobby and I to decide what to do. Eventually we just ended up all going to Buffalo Wild Wings where we hung out for a few hours.

While there Terri Ward Walked in. Not many people I know now know of Terri. She was this Lesbian in Highschool that had a thing for me. She asked me out no less than 5 times, she tried to kiss me 3 times, she tried to hold my hand a few times, and she offered to have sex with me 2 times. One of the times she tried to kiss me, she pinned me to the lockers. She was scary. Now that you know who she is you can see why I was so terrified that she walked in. She sat one table behind us and to the left one, with her back to mine. She didn't see me. The whole time we were all there she was there, and I had to piss so bad, but I was afraid to get up cause then I would have to talk to her and her Girl Friend, and that wouldn't be comforable. So I was sitting there for a while then they leave, but not before Mike and Bobby start plotting to have a drink sent over supposedly from me to her, they didn't though.

Next we went to Mike's house where we sat around and chilled. We talked for a bit and we just hung out. It was nice. I drank some.

Saturday Morning, Bobert called me. We hung out for a while, and when he went to drop me off at my house, he goes "dude, what happened to your left rear view mirror?" I thought he was joking, but sure as shit, the drivers side mirror was hanging off the car. Apparently my sister had taken the car out while I was gone, and eventually I found out what happened. That story to come later.

While fixing that problem, I got a call from Amanda. Amanda is a good friend that I waited tables with at Lonestar. She is totally cool, Anyway, she was having a Barbeque and was wondering if I wanted to go to Elsberry and hang out with her Family and Friends. I said sure.

I went up and when I got there met all of her family and all, and quickly realized that this was one hell of a family. They were so like my cousins and uncles and all it wasn't funny. Same sorta humor, same sorta joking and harrasing each other. It felt good to be somewhere so fun loving and carefree. So we chilled there for a bit, and then her Dad asked me if I would go get some beer for them. I did, and when I got back tried many times to decline the offer of a beer, but eventually succombed. We ate, and then just hung out for a long while.

I left thier house probably around midnight I guess, Then I went home and I laid in bed for a long while before falling asleep, then morning came too soon.

I went to Church Sunday morning. That was fun, and the preacher said some stuff that made me feel better though I don't remember now what it was. Should have written it down I suppose. But it was nice to go to church. Then I sat around inside the afternoon talking to my parents. That evening I went to Ted Drews. I got some custard to bring back for Jessica, and some for Jon, my little bro, who had hit a mailbox on his bike and was at home nursing his wounds.

I sat up talking to my rents til around 12 then went to my room and instantly passed out. It was nice to sleep instantly instead of waiting for it to slowly take me. But alas, Again morning came too soon. The alarm clock went off and I was up again at 3. I showered, got my final stuff ready, and was off again.

The drive was okay until Columbus. Then it started to Rain. Being in the midwest the past years has lead me to believe that rain can last no longer than 1 hour. I drove through heavy heavy rainstorms for over eight hours. Some of that I wasn't driving, but stopped because some moron wrecked on the Ohio West Virgina Border, but other than that I was white knuckling it through the boot hills and mountains at around 70 miles per hour. And I learned really quickly that every turn you take you slide, no matter the speed. You just have to be ready for it otherwise you will try to correct instead of going with it. The sad part of the drive is I was in the middle of the speed range. Half the people passed me at amazing speed, and the other half were going slower than ass. True I would have prefered to be doing one or the other, but I figured that around 70 was the best comprimise of speed and risk.

Hydroplaning is fun.

So I dropped off the Custard to Jessica, then finished my drive home. Once home, I ditched all my shit out of the car, and passed out. I woke this morning at 4, said fuck it, and went back to sleep since I was sleeping. Then I woke up at 7:30 and got ready and went to work.

On Sunday, I talked to Amanda on the way to Ted Drews, and found out that she had swerved to the right side of her lane to avoid a car that was in her lane, then pulled left as soon as they were passed so that she would miss a parked car. When she pulled left, she went too far and caught the mirror on a mail box. The funny part of the story is the guy who owned the mail box said that he had replaced it like 8 times already, that he had just replaced it not too long ago, and lastly that he was a defenisve driving instructor. That just cracks my shit up. Fortunatly there was no damage to the mailbox. Just the car.

Yeah. I guess that is all I really have for right now. My head is starting to hurt from reading and typing right now, Maybe more will come later. I don't know most of what I have left is just thoughts and ruminations and shit that most people wouldn't really be interested in anyway...

So, I'm Out.

George Straight : "Check Yes or No"

"... Do you love me, do you wanna be my friend?
And if you do, well then don’t be afraid to take me by the hand
If you want to.
I think this is how love goes, check yes or no..."

Do ya? IM me a yes or no, cause I can't do a check box in HTML.

Also...

I have lost over 25 pounds since being out here... I am now at 275. Yay me. Screw you all if you arn't happy for me.

Interesting Quotes of the Day

"Suicide is only a handbrake away."
"Easter ... The season of spite."
"When I fight, I just lay on my back and say you won. Now rub my damn tummy."
"I am all about sexy approaches, that's why the ladies love me."
"When life gives you lemons, kick everyone you see in the balls."
"You're at the top of the food chain, deal with it."
"I am fucking retarded... oops"

The last one was me to someone way high up... It wasn't very smooth of me to use such language, but he pointed out a stupid error to me, and I said what I thought. He just laughed thank god. He could have shoved a giant pole up my ass and stood it in the ground, but he was cool about it.

I don't know what I am going to do this weekend. I guess I will play it all by year. Whatever happens happens, and I will figure out what to do when the different oppertunities arise. I am going to be busy as hell though.

Darryl Worley : "I Miss My Friend"

[The Shrink asked me why I wanted to call Jenni this weekend This is actually what I told her]

[Go figure I would hear this song tonight ... I hate crying]


I miss the look of surrender in your eyes
The way your soft brown hair would fall
I miss the power of your kiss when we made love
Oh, but baby most of all

I miss my friend
The one my heart and soul confided in
The one I felt the safest with
The one who knew just what to say to make me laugh again
And let the light back in
I miss my friend

I miss the colors that you brought into my life
Your golden smile, those blue-green eyes
I miss your gentle voice in lonely times like now
Saying it'll be alright

I miss my friend
The one my heart and soul confided in
The one I felt the safest with
The one who knew just what to say to make me laugh again
And let the light back in
I miss my friend

I miss those times
I miss those nights
I even miss our silly fights
The making up
The morning talks
And those late afternoon walks

I miss my friend
The one my heart and soul confided in
The one I felt the safest with
The one who knew just what to say to make me laugh again
let the light back in
I miss my friend

I miss my friend

I miss my friend

Mmmmmmmm

I miss my friend

What is so hard about going Vroom Vroom?

Why the hell did I have to go 35 miles an hour all the way home tonight? I worked from 5:30 this morning til 8:00 tonight, and I just got home. I should have been home around 45 min ago. But no, People Suck.

If you are wondering about the title, That is what I yelled about 30 min after pulling up behind these two morons.

I am trying my damndest to get home for Easter. I NEED to see Bobby and Mike. Mike just got engaged recently, and we need to talk about that cause he want's me in the wedding. And I Need to just hang with friends.

Fortunately my boss has approved unlimited overtime, so... I am working from 5 something in the morning til I feel like leaving at night.

I talked to the psychologist. She said that I have alot of unresolved issues (i.e. Vertigo, Major Change, so on) that are causing alot of stress and worryment, though she thought that the vertigo was more a cause than a symptom of the stress/depression/whatever you would call it.

She also told me that I am most likely the type of personality that is driven to do something all the time. The type that gets really upset when idle. I would believe that.

She was worried that I can't remember stuff, and that I drop out mid sentance forgetting what I was saying, though she didn't have an explination or a thought on that. And she also said that the Obsessiveness I have is normal. I am not Obsessive Compulsive. I just have to have things my particular way sometimes. She said that if I don't like being like that then I can change it, it was just ingrained as a child.

So that is basically the past few days. For any of you that actually read this and give a damn. Sorry that I didn't get an update up last night. I just didn't feel like it.

I need to find someone out here to do stuff with. I need a friend out here. The only friend that I have out here lives over an hour away. And that is rough driving, plus the fact that I can't hang out with the people I work with ... equals one bored coop.

And we all know what idle hands are...

Also...

I am thinking about getting a tattoo eventually. It would be a Celtic Cross. Probably on my Left Bicep. I like that there.

Ummm.... Can I have the next question please?

So I don't know what is going on anymore. With anything.

Uh. That is all.

I Love Alcohol...

I have drank some this weekend. I am not, NOT, feeling down. And I have been trying to do it around other people. I feel good. I still do. Not a whole lot going on with me though. I am trying to figure out how to do more with the HTML for my Blog. But I can't.

I am too stupid. But Whatever. I don't care that much. I am also thinking about taking up violin again. For the first time in years I want to play. I don't know yet though. Maybe this is just one of those things that I want to do now, but will change in a week. Maybe I will see about lessons after going to hang out with Jessica tomorrow.

I will figure that all out later on. Now I am going to watch... something... I don't know what though. Whatever.

So Friggin Bored

I have nothing to do. I am so Fucking bored right now. It is Mikes Birthday. If I was out there I would be hanging with him. I called and left a message on his phone though.

I wish that one of the places I applied would call me back. I really need to find something to do with my spare time. I really need to find a car too, cause my Parents are taking this one back soon.

But despite all of this I am feeling good, I can't explain it. I would have thought I would be feeling like shit right now. But I am feeling as far the opposite as I can.

I know that Bobby is going to come visit me sometime. And I know that Bob is going to as well. And JR is pretty sure he will swing out this way sometime this summer. I thank God everyday for my friends. I know they would do anything and everything for me.

I guess I am going to sit around somemore now. Maybe I will go to the range here shortly. That would be fun... Maybe... Or maybe I will go out to eat or something... I don't know what I am going to do. But I plan on having fun doing it.

Just a little SAX on the Beach ...

So I just got home from work. 2 and a half hour drive. It should have taken about 28 min. But its cool. I am actually feeling pretty damn good right now. I havn't felt down. I havn't felt off. It's just SAX. Some of you know what that means ...

Time for the remix
"sippin on Coke and Rum,
I'm like so what I'm drunk.
It's the freakin weekend baby,
I'm about to have me some fun"

So I am just gonna chill with Johnny, and watch some tube. Oh, and I may go shopping. I need some new pants. These are too big for me now.

Cheers to my Boys, and Goodnight to the Ladies.

Pain Kills Pain

So it has been raining. And Hydroplaining is fun. And yeah, I really really want to drink, and cut for that matter. But I am being good.

I don't know why...

But I am feeling really damn good right now. I can't explain it. I have felt this way most of the day. Only ocassionally have I felt somewhat down. And that is because my Vertigo has been really bad today. I actually fell over while talking to someone this afternoon. Go fig.

He was all like Oh My God are you alright? And I just started laughing cause I felt like a fucking moron. I have been dealing with this for so long and I just fell over randomly?

It was pretty funny.

Yeah. Not much else going on though. Pete is down in London. And I know how he feels. It sux to be so far away from friends and family and all. Atleast I know he enjoys his work though. I am pretty sure anyway.

Yeah he does I just checked. Atleast all that is going well for him, Sorry about the reception job today Pete.

Other than that I don't know. That is all I really have so I am going to stop typing in this thing and do something else.