Poem 13 (Short One)

Cry a tear for the one you knew.
Bleed a drop for everything you do.
Drop off all the things you now persue.
And in the morning will the grass,
Still be blessed with its dew?

Misery on a Monday

So it is raining.
I think it's a good day.

When did I start to believe that?

Anywho...

The day was cold, he was growing colder. Winter was falling in quickly, and with the wonderful happy sunlight blocked out by the RayBans everything was right with the world. Life just wasn't the same when she wasn't around; when times were rough and life was rough she was the beacon that blasted through the darkness.

He wished, not for the first hopefully not for the last, that he could just be there with her. He wished for her arms around him, her lips to his, his heart with hers. If only for a moment. But every moment would lead to more longing, and every longing thought would bring more love for her. But for now, he was alone.

No he hadn't, but he had thought to. He had longed to. He wanted to. But the will was stronger than the desire tonight, and he knew that he would be with her again soon. That when he saw her once again on Friday, that when he could talk to her on the phone later that evening everything would seem to be right with the world again.

And all these thoughts would again fade away to nothing. It fades into the empty ether of his heart. And all that’s left is to burn.

Poem Twelve

I wanna live.
I wanna die.
I wanna laugh.
I wanna cry.

I wanna be somebody.
I want for you to know me.
I want you all to realize.
Maybe I know what I see.
Maybe now I am nothing.
Maybe I don't do everything right.
Maybe I Don't Care.
Perhaps I don't want to fight.

None of you give a shit.
All you all do is judge.
None of you really know me.
So you all see the sludge.
Do I ever tell anyone everything?
Why would I tell you?
Does anyone really know the truth?
How much have I surprised you?

Maybe you should trust me.
Trust me to do what's right.
Maybe I know the best thing.
Trust I'll fight my fight.
You don't have to tell me.
It will only hurt me more.
I know what I need to do.
And I knew it all before.

Maybe I'll live.
Maybe I'll die.
Maybe I'll laugh.
Maybe I'll cry.
Maybe I'll destroy your hopes.
Destroy them so you feel it to.
Maybe I'll destroy my own hopes.
And you'll all wonder this guy is who.

If you are reading this... Odds are fairly good it isn't directed at you. And if you are thinking it is directed at you... It may be. You just have to reread it and see if it sounds like it. I'm thinking that I like Bobby's thoughts on the bloger thing, if it's in here it isn't a topic for discussion with me unless you are Bobby, Jenni, Kat, or Laura. Anyone else, Don't Fucking Bring It Up.

Poem Eleven

So do you feel better now?
Now that I feel like shit.
So are you happier now?
Narcissist, go take a hit.

I'm so sick of all your crap.
Tired of all you hurting me.
Why don't you fucks leave?
Why the hell can't you all see?

maybe

Maybe I'll change again.
Go back to the way I was before.
Maybe you'll wish I was me again.
And disappear into my core.

Maybe I'll bleed again.
Fade away into the mist here.
I'll just disappear from you.
Maybe I'll have one more beer.

I'm so tired of all the crap.
Sick of the way you all treat.
I only look foward to sleep now,
Or to talking to my girl so sweet.

Angela Ammons : "When It Doesn't Even Matter"

I'm everything, you ever wanted
Why does it mean so much to you
I'm walking way
Not begging you to please let me stay
You wanna take a picture
So you'll remember
Me standing by this open door
Does it make it better
If you tell yourself I never wanted to go

Should I say that we should still be friends
Should I cry or should I just pretend
That it's killing me, and I don't want you to leave
Should I make you think I suffer

...When it doesn't matter

You try to figure out
Why I said nothing
When you told me that's it's over now
What are you believing
That my smile is only here to hide the pain

Oh yeah

Should I say that we should still be friends
Should I cry or should I just pretend
That it's killing me, and I don't want you to leave
Should I make you think I suffer...when it doesn't matter

When it doesn't matter

I'm tired, of unhappy ever after endings
I'm tired, of make believe hero's
I'm tired, of taking back what I have given
And I'm tired, of waking up here

Should I say that we should still be friends
Should I cry or should I just pretend
That it's killing me, and I don't want you to leave
Should I make you think I suffer...

...When it doesn't matter

Fuel : "Scar"

Chase the sun in my head
Blistered skin turning red
I can't complain
It's something to do
Cloud my mind and erase you

Since you're gone
All is wrong
Nothing feels the same down here
And if you're gone
And I'm alone
Whose heart will you scar now dear?

Fall in, fall out
Break free, break down
Feel my legs pushing through
This world I built around you
I know the blame
Is not apon you
I know the heartless things I chose

Since you're gone
All is wrong
Nothing feels the same down here
And if you're gone
And I'm alone
Whose heart will you scar now dear?

Fall in, fall out
Break free, break down
One look and I die
One kiss, goodbye
Drag this frown from my face
Force a smile to take its place
I can pretend that I'm not confused
And I don't need the likes of you

Fall in, fall out
Break free, break down
One look and I die
One kiss, goodbye

I Hate Life

I hate life.

Sometimes I have thoughts, and they arn't pleasant. Most of the time I don't act on them, but I wish I didn't have these thoughts. I wish the Cynicism and the Animosity would stop building up inside of me, and that I could go back to being me.

There isn't really any reason for me to be pissed at most people either. That's the thing that is getting me the worst. So I sit here and I do my piddly little shit, I try to keep busy, I try to keep distracted. But to no avail, the thoughts still ring out, still echo in my head.

Sometimes I have thoughts, and they arn't pleasant. Maybe I will act on some of them, but I know I will still have these thoughts. The Contentfullness and Joyousness once exhibited is now gone, but maybe I can have a new me to go back to being.

And the sad thing is, everything is supposed to be going so well. Interesting how when you think that things are going well, you always end up getting hit in the face by a brick. I don't even get where these bricks are coming from, except I know inside that someone else's world and house are falling down around them with all the rubble and debris being used against me.

I used to have thoughts, and they were unpleasant. I acted on them, but now I no longer have those thoughs. Everything is now gone from me and all that is left is the hollow shell, the external me that has been here all along. I'll return again soon to myself, but only after I am able to see what's inside me.

Futurama Quote

I'm sorry you had to see me upset.

I try to keep my sadness pent up inside where it can fester into a mental illness.

Am I an optimist?

Hell No. And I'll tell you why.

Okay, maybe I won't tell you as much as just bitch for a bit that will hint as to why I'm a depressed alcoholic pessimist. Things never go as they should. That, in my nutshell, is why I hate this place, this world, everything.

Jenni was going to come down to see me today since I had class all weekend long, but she couldn't. I couldn't reach her on the phone, and assumed/hoped that she was on her way. I finally called her house, and she was there sick.

I feel like shit cause I had been hyping myself up. She was coming to see me, she was on her way, she was not answering the phone to surprise me. NOPE. She was asleep cause she felt like shit.

That my friends is why I'm not an optimist. Cause everytime I get excited about anything I only get dropped back to reality again. I hate this feeling. I hate the fact that I wanted something so bad, and it just fell out from under me again. I want to get loaded, but I can't cause I can't drink enough to. I hate this place.

Oh well, WHATEVER. Fuck it all.

I'm going back to bed.

Decent

Eh.

I am so dead tired right now. Fireworks setup and shoot all day today. And I have to get up and do it all over again tomorrow.

I dunno. Things are going good I guess. Too much shit too little time, but what else is new there? I have alot of Projects and HW to take care of in a short period of time here. Things should start falling into place fairly quickly I hope though.

Today went okay, I'm just wiped the hell out. So I'm gonna pass out.

Poem Ten

These four walls are a prison,
I can't get out.
I go for walks or on drives,
Its another bout.

I fight myself over and over,
Can't ever win.
And then I start to wonder,
Stab myself with pen?

I hate this place oh so much,
Hate myself too.
Hate these thoughts I'm having,
Hate it when I'm blue.

I wish you were here to take,
You can take pain.
You can always bring back,
The hope I have slain.

What the Fuck?

What ... The ... Fuck?

Why the hell is everyone else in a pissy mood today? I have Vertigo, too much to do, and can't do anything about it? What's you all's excuse?

Well, Bobby I can let you have your argument. Your living situation does suck.

Everyone else though. Lay the fuck off of me.

I don't want anyone else to try to guilt trip me into doing jack shit for them. I don't want to hear one more mother fucker whining to me about how they have it so fucking bad. You all have your sense of balance, be happy, and Fuck off.

Next order of business, I did welsh on some things that I said I was going to do today. You know though, I have felt like shit all day today, and thrown up twice. I would think that would be excuse enough for me to get out of a class or two, and going to pull fireworks from the fireworks place. Apparently not though cause everyone is pissed at me for not being able to.

Also for those of you wondering what else is pissing me the fuck off today. I got clipped by a mirror on a car that was speeding by campus. They rounded the corner, didn't see me, and hit my arm with thier rear view mirror. It didn't hurt or leave a mark or anything, but it still pissed me the hell off. Though the learning permit driver was all sorts of freaking out. As was her mother. Women drivers...

But whatever. I am going to finish talking to Jenni on the phone, and then go to bed.

Also, I am working on my school website. Bobby was working on his, that reminded me that I had one, and so I decided to mess around with it.

Last note. Jenni says if you don't behave, she'll beat you up. Not that I'll leave her much to beat.

Simple Plan : "Welcome to My Life"

Do you ever feel like breaking down?
Do you ever feel out of place?
Like somehow you just don't belong
And no one understands you

Do you ever wanna runaway?
Do you lock yourself in your room?
With the radio on turned up so loud but no one hears you screaming

No you don't know what it's like
When nothing feels all right
You don't know what it's like
To be like me

To be hurt
To feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked when you're down
To feel like you've been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
But no one's there to save you
No you don't know what it's like
Welcome to my life

Do you wanna be somebody else?
Are you sick of feeling so left out?
Are you desparate to find something more?
Before your life is overAre you stuck inside a world you hate?
Are you sick of everyone around?
With their big fake smiles and their stupid lies
While deep inside you're bleeding
No you don't know what it's like
When nothing feels all right
You don't know what it's like
To be like me

To be hurt
To feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked when you're down
To feel like you've been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
But no one's there to save you
No you don't know what it's like
Welcome to my life

No one ever lied straight to your face
No one ever stabbed you in the back
You might think I'm happy but I'm not gonna be okay
Everybody always gave you what you wanted
Never had to work it was always there
You don't know what it's like what it's like

To be hurt
To feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked when you're down
To feel like you've been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
But no one's there to save you

No you don't know what it's like [x2]

Welcome to my life [x3]