Cause perfect doesn't feel so perfect...

Eh.. Sigh I guess...

I'm restless.
I'm worn.
I tried to sleep.
No matter, I'm torn.

I can't fall asleep. I have tried, and I just can't. I think that I need something to help me sleep...

beer.

Too bad I don't have any and my parents won't allow it in thier house. And they wouldn't want me drinking anyway. I don't think alot of people would want me drinking as I'm not with anyone, but I'm sure I could spawn some more personalities so I wasn't alone...

I'm exhausted.
I'm sore.
Ever part hurts.
Everythings a bore.

My body is exhausted. I have been working on the damn house now for over a week. I have only seen Jenni like five hours since Christmas, and the rest of the time I've been working on the flooring (well and all the other jobs that my mom has devised).

I havn't figured out how, but I am definitely wanting to get back into cycling shape now. Maybe I'll start eating healthier dinners at night, eat whatever at TJ for lunch, and just a snack bar or something for Breakfast. Dunno. And I guess I could ride the stationary bike at TJ. I just wish I could ride a real bike, the weather has been fantastic lately.

I need to do something... I still don't know what, but something is bugging me. Something is nagging me in the back of the mind telling me that I should be doing something different. Something is calling me.

...

So... Thought change now...

...

My car still hasn't been worked on. It is really pissing me off. I spent 600 some odd bucks at Firestone the other day for new tires, lifetime alignment, and bearings repacking. But still my engine sits the same condition. Still chugging gas, tank still leaking it I'm sure.

Hmm... I dunno.

Something has been bothering me lately. Everytime I start to fall asleep, everytime my mind is left to wander unhindered I see Jenni leaving Denny's in tears cause I had broken up with her. She and I are engaged, happy... Life with her is great right now. Why am I still plagued with these images? (rethorical question, I don't really want guesses here I don't think) Do our bad choices haunt us for the rest of our life? Am I going to forever regret letting go of her? Even if I still have her and she doesn't resent me for it a bit? If she is okay with it having happened, if she sees why it was necessary, if she understands... Why can't I?

I know this is all worthless prattle, but still. Still it bothers me, and only me. I can't believe the mistake I made that day, and so I can't let go of it. I need to find some way to be with her now, not get married in a year and a half, get married in a half, or sooner. Cause when I'm with her, I don't feel this way. When I'm with her, I see the benifit that came of our being apart. I see how much closer we are for it. And if I don't, she is always there to keep my spirits up if I do start to worry about it. And she can remind me how things are different now, how I'm not without her.

Now I really don't know, and now it really is worthless prattle I'm sure. But It's something... It's something.

We'll have to see I suppose what tomorrow, and the new year it delivers, brings for me. Hopefully it is unfaltering, unshakeable happiness. That would be nice.

Remember the light at the end of the tunnel may be you... Goodnight.

Flooring and General Bitching

I am really starting to hate this flooring shit. Everytime it seems like I am about to be able to make progress, NOPE. Something else I have to do before I can continue installing the floor.

Not only that, but I still havn't gotten the car parts I need. My parents promised them to me for Christmas, but they havn't gotten around to ordering them. Kinda pisses me off. Not as much as them changing thier minds every thirty seconds about what to do with the floor though.

I havn't gotten to see much of Jenni lately, incase anyone completely random reads this, that is my Fiance. Her work schedule causes her to work nights alot, and mine... Well let's just say that sometimes parents suck. And if you ever plan on doing a job for your parents, Get a contract. I am sick of all the little jobs that just keep getting added on. Is my compensation going up? NO. Am I getting yelled at everyday that it is taking too long? YES.

Grumble grumble... Cuss cuss...

I need shaka buku. (if you don't get it watch Gross Point Blank)

I need something different. I need to be able to sleep in Jenni's arms. Maybe then my nightmares would finally stop and I could sleep. I need to get away from my lack of money. I need to get my car painted. More so though I need to get it running properly. It's a Firebird. I want it to run like one damnit.

I need to lose more weight. I need to get in shape. I need to lose the FUCKING GOD DAMN VERTIGO.

...

Sorry. I really hate it though.

And so. I have no idea. I havn't done anything over break except work on my parents house. If you feel like I'm neglicting you, I'm not. I'm just too busy all day long doing shit to help pay for next semester. And If you wanna hang, I'm pretty much so free from ... say 10PM til 3AM ... Though not always.

I did get a pretty sweet pocket watch for Christmas though. It was from Jenni's parents, it was one like I've been wanting for a long time. The ones that you can see the gears inside moving. I am so excited about it. That and the anticipation of another semester of school have me really psyched. I want to take a class at RTI if I can next semester too. A car body class, or a car painting class. I think it would be fun. Though I don't know how that would work as I would also like to get straight A's next semester if I can.

We'll have to see I suppose. If anyone has a suggestion on how to make money easy, I'm open to such hints.

Otherwise. I think I'm going to go on to bed.

Goodnight all.

Grades

I just found out I got a 36/40 on my Final for Geo 50. I should be happy, it's a 90 percent. But It's a crappy score, I should have had a 40 or better, but I couldn't spell his name for the extra credit. I should be getting straight A's. This shit isn't that hard.

Though I did get A's in surveying, and Pyro so far. That's good, and I'm anticipating an A in my Computers in Mining class too. So... We'll have to see how Geo 50 and Psychology pan out I guess...

We'll see...

God I'm pissed at myself.