http://www.livejournal.com/users/scragnx

Yeah.... I got a new blog thingie...

http://www.livejournal.com/users/scragnx

Check it out, I don't think I'll post here anymore.

I may still though if I am really pissed and want no one to read it.

hehehe

Breaking Benjamin : "Rain"

Take a photograph,
It'll be the last,
Not a dollar or a crowd could ever keep me here,

I don't have a past
I just have a chance,
Not a family or honest plea remains to say,

Rain rain go away,
Come again another day,
All the world is waiting for the sun.

Is it you I want,
Or just the notion
Of a heart to wrap around so I can find my way around

Safe to say from here,
Your getting closer now,
We are never sad cause we are not allowed to be

Rain rain go away,
Come again another day,
All the world is waiting for the sun.

Rain rain go away,
Come again another day,
All the world is waiting for the sun.

To lie here under you,
Is all that I could ever do,
To lie here under you is all,
To lie here under you is all that i could ever do,
To lie here under you is all,

Rain rain go away,
Come again another day,
All the world is waiting for the sun.

Rain rain go away,
Come again another day,
All the world is waiting for the sun,
All the world is waiting for the sun,
All the world is waiting for the sun.

Almost End of Summer

Hrum.

Yeah. Things are interesting right now. I've been kept hopping by all the BS of life this summer. And havn't had near enough time to relax. Fortunately school is about in session again. This will at least get me some people that are close to my mentality around me.

Don't know how I like the job from this summer either.

Dunno. If I have told you I would hang with you and havn't it's cause shit sucks. If I have hung out with you and had fun, Then you must be imagining things. Cause I've been pretty much so booked with work and helping Jenni this summer.

Hopefully though Bobby and Mike can come to Rolla sometime this semester. That would be fun. And hopefully I can find a job that will give me the pay and hours I need. Hopefully I don't have to beg at the side of the Highway this semester...

We'll see.

Trapt : "Echo"

Close my eyes
Let the whole thing pass me by
There is no time to waste
Asking why?
I'll run away with you, by my side
I'll run away with you, by my side
I need to let go, let go, let go, let go of this pride
(Asking why?)

I think about your face
And how I fall into your eyes
The out moment I trace around the one that I call mine
Time to count more space
And beware that your drew the line
I don't need you solve this case
And I don't need to look behind

Close my eyes
Let the whole thing pass me by
There is no time to waste
Asking why?
I'll run away with you, By my side
I'll run away with you, By my side
I need to let go, let go, let go, let go of this pride
(Asking why?)

Do I except you change, the past I hold inside?
With all the words I say
Repeating over in my mind
Some things you cant erase
No matter how hard you try
An exit to escape
Is all there is left to find

Close my eyes
Let the whole thing pass me by
There is no time to waste
Asking why?(Asking why)
I'll run away with you, by my side
I'll run away with you, by my side
I need to let go, let go, let go, let go of this pride
Until this echo, echo, echo, echo in my mind
Until this echo, echo, echo, echo can subside

So I,
Close my eyes
Let the whole thing pass me by
There is no time to waste
Asking why?
I'll run away with you, by my side
I'll run away with you, by my side
I need to let go, let go, let go, let go of this pride
Until this echo, echo, echo, echo in my mind
Until this echo, echo, echo, echo can subside

I hate everybody.

I am getting so pissed at everyone for the stupidest hings. It is really depressing me too. Not that everyone is being so assinine, but that I'm getting pissed at them for stupid reasons. I hate myself everytime I get pissed at someone. I feel infinitely bad for being angry with them. Even if I have proper reason.

It really really bothers me that I have these justified reasons to be pissed at people, but still I beat myself up about it. I am almost totally emotionally bled out. I am almost through caring about much of anything. I am almost to the point of giving up ... again ...

Maybe something will save me again. I don't know ...

We'll see I suppose. I may be broken and bleeding soon ... Maybe things will change, Maybe I'll be all perfectly fine tomorrow.

Maybe Pigs will be working air traffic control ...

Weekend Update...

So I dug a grave this weekend. It was raining, Thunder and Lighning filled the dark night sky.

Weird, but true.

The weekend was okay. Science Olympiad State was this weekend, my sister kicked ass. Checked out the Science Center for a wedding place, it looked sweet. Thinking that may be the place. Now we just have to find someone to officiate and all that Bull Shit.

I'm going to be living about 45-50 miles from work this summer, and as such am thinking that I may get a motorcycle to compensate for the gas to be used. Dunno yet obviously, but am seriously considering and looking into it.

That's about all I got.

Later

Talking

So I had a friend come to me tonight to talk as he has had a string of problems of late. I talked to him for a while, and really he doesn't have that bad of problems. It is all just sortof blown out of proportion in his own mind.

I wonder how many of my problems are that way.

I told him some of my problems to help him relate in some way and told him how I have handled them. Some of my benifit of experience in some issues helped I think. I was able to give him some of my takes on how I had handled things, and how I wish I had handled things. It helps me to think that my negitive experiences do have a positive effect. It sort of gives me justification for my actions leading to the distressing times, and allows me to see how maybe it was good for me.

Jenni's ferret is dying, which sucks. It makes me sad because I know she will be hurt when it dies. Also it is looking like she is going to be working places where she won't be able to come home much for like six months. And by much I mean like three to four days out of the six months. That will be super gay. Especally as we need to start planning the wedding and all that jazz too. Other than that thing are great with Jenni and I.

But yet I can't get rid of this aggression / depression I am in. I am switching back and forth between wanting to hurt and wanting to hurt others. I know this sounds wrong, but there have been times when everyone is pissing me off that I just want to see one of them get a failing test, or have thier car totaled. And I don't wish ill things to my friends, but sometimes I just want to see somebody else get hurt. Then there are the more worrying times when I just want something else to happen to me. There isn't a reason for this except for there to be more pain for me, because I wish these bad things on others and both aspects of that worries me. Then I talk to Jenni, and most of these feelings dissipate. And I am left feeling a whole hell of a lot better when I get of the phone with her. She seems to put everything back into perspective for me which is good.

Anyway. I have to go to bed now, maybe more of my sick and twisted ramblings soon.

Change of Mood

You know, I was in a good mood earlier.

Now I just want to break someone's face.

I could really go for a beer right now.

Rascal Flatts : See Me Through

Ah, yeah
Ah, yeah, yeah

Before we met I was free
I never had to worry about anyone but me
Now that boy is gone and in his place
Is a man who needs to hold you night and day
So if I stumble, if I fall
Forgive me, Im just learning as I go along

See me through, see me through
This aching heart has come so far
To be with you, see me through
With angel eyes, just look inside
At all thislove I never want to lose
See me through

I know sometime I let you down
But Im still getting used to having you around
And if I ever make you cry
Theres nothing I wont do to make things right
Im not perfect and thats for sure
A little time is all Im asking for

See me through, see me through
This aching heart has come so far
To be with you, see me through

With angel eyes, just look inside
At all thislove I never want to lose
See me through

See me through this mask I wear
Well, Im almost there, you know I care
I am the man you always thought you knew

See me through, see me through
This aching heart has come so far
To be with you, see me through
With angel eyes, just look inside
At all thislove I never want to lose
See me through

See me through, yeah see me through
Oh, see me through
Yeah, yeah -
Oooo, Oooo, Oooo, see me through
Oh, were almost there, cant you see that
Im almost, girl Im almost there
This mask I wear
Girl, Im almost there, Im almost there
See me, see me through this mask I wear
Im almost there
Oooo, Oooo, Oooo, girl
See me through, girl

Bobby...

Need a list of what you want. IM me.

Beach Boys - God Only Knows

I may not always love you
But long as there are stars above you
You never need to doubt it
I'll make you so sure about it

God only knows what I'd be without you

If you should ever leave me
Though life would still go on believe me
The world could show nothing to me
So what good would living do me

God only knows what I'd be without you

If you should ever leave me
Well life would still go on believe me
The world could show nothing to me
So what good would living do me

God only knows what I'd be without you

Just Miscelleneous Crap Really

Not much going on. Alot of Bull Shit is all.

Hmm...

Rebuilt my Carberator, car is running better, not quite sure what the gas mileage is I'm getting, but I'll find out soon enough. I need to fix the exhaust leak I have, I know where it is though. And I would like to try and find out how much money it would cost to get a cheap paint job just thrown on to make my car not look so crappy... Dunno.

My Grandma died last Sunday. That sucked. Drove out to NC and spent time with all the extended family. I suppose it's better as she was suffering and all. It's selfish, but I had a lot planned, and it upset me that I wasn't able to do any of it. Jenni and I were going to go looking at places for the wedding, I was going to get some more work done on those damn floors, and so on and so forth. I guess it doesn't matter though.

I was going to go out with Bobby and Mike last night. It was Mikes Birthday, and we were all going to go to Dave and Busters. Yeah. I got sick as shit last night, still am. Think it may have been the burger I had for lunch yesterday afternoon. Don't rightly know though. Hate that I missed his party. Also when I was sick I forgot to call Jenni ... Kinda passed out about twenty min after I got home from hanging out with Bobby. Worried Jenni sick cause when I talked to her last I said I was going to call her right back, and was hurrying to get off the phone as I was driving. Well, she thought something was going on and was worried when I didn't call her back that there was something bad going on. These things happen, but I wish I didn't make her worry.

Not much else really. North Carolina was nice. Good weather, Great food, got some Cheerwine in my room to drink on. Mmmm...

Oh, and I won't be doing undergraduate research cause I didn't get the form in as I was in NC. Eh, whatever I suppose. Now I'm going to see about going to bed as I don't feel well still.

The Beatles - Hey Jude

Hey Jude, don't make it bad.
Take a sad song and make it better.
Remember to let her into your heart,
Then you can start to make it better.

Hey Jude, don't be afraid.
You were made to go out and get her.
The minute you let her under your skin,
Then you begin to make it better.

And anytime you feel the pain, hey Jude, refrain,
Don't carry the world upon your shoulders.
For well you know that it's a fool who plays it cool
By making his world a little colder.

Hey Jude, don't let me down.
You have found her, now go and get her.
Remember to let her into your heart,
Then you can start to make it better.

So let it out and let it in, hey Jude, begin,
You're waiting for someone to perform with.
And don't you know that it's just you, hey Jude, you'll do,
The movement you need is on your shoulder.

Hey Jude, don't make it bad.
Take a sad song and make it better.
Remember to let her under your skin,
Then you'll begin to make it
Better better better better better better, oh.

Na na na nananana, nannana, hey Jude...

Little this, little that

Okay...

What's up...

My Grandmother Kimbel is in the hospital, and they are predicting two months are so. She has had some sort of cancer for a while, and it has spread. Stupid doctors, that don't know jack shit, didn't listen to her symptoms and test for it years ago. I hate doctors anyway. So I'm going to roadtrip out on St. Patties Day with Laura, and we'll be back that Sunday. This is a shitty time cause three of my great aunts just died within a month or so.

So we'll see how all that goes.

I'm on a diet again. And working out. I want to be in shape by summer. I want to be a 36 in waist. By my wedding I want to be a 34, or atleast have a body fat of around 16 - 18%. That would be nice.

I want to relax. I want to not have school for a while. I want to just chill for a while. Hold Jenni in one arm, hold a beer in the other hand, and fall asleep in the sand. Hmmm... That'd be nice. Very nice...

I had some strange dreams, not getting into the details I was married, not in St. Charles, and happy. It was really nice. Had a few kids... sigh...

Had a test today It went alright. I didn't study, didn't do any of the HW for the section, but I think I did alright. I doin't know exactly. We'll see on that too I guess.

Oh well, whatever. Fuck it all. I'm drinking before class.

Cheers

Explosives Technologies International

So I had an interview today with ETI... It sounds really neat. I would get to blow shit up. Which is always good I suppose.

I think it went well, I don't ever know really when it comes to interviews. They said it would take about ten to fifteen min, but I was there answering questions for around forty five min. Dunno.

The job would be in STL, South Carolina, North Carolina, California, or even Canada. I don't really want to be that far from Jenni, but it would be good work experience for getting a good job later on.

The pay kinda sucks at 10 to 12 dollars an hour, but they supplement half my housing, and they would also find cheap housing for us at like an extended stay america or something. And there is also the possiblity that I would work with a crew that is on the road constantly, and wouldn't have to pay for a place to live...

Dunno. I'll have to run through numbers if I get the job to see which would be better for the long run.

Hmm...

I signed a lease with Mark, Massive, JR, and JC yesterday. So I'll be living with all them next semester. The cost is realitively close to that of the quad, so I'll have to see what the price difference is and all that jazz... We'll see how all that works out.

I guess all that's left is I am on a diet. I need to lose some weight, and cut my muscles. Rippling Abs... Oh, to be beautiful... : ) ... I would like to be in a 36 or a 34 by my wedding. 34 is probably impossible, but I would like to be at about 18 % Body Fat. I am currently at about 32. I want to be in shape. It would be nice.

That's about it. I'm judging Science Olympiad this weekend, so we'll see how that goes too. I need to call Bobby this weekend and hang with him sometime.

Oh well

Lost Prophets : "Last Train Home"

One! Two! Three!

To every broken heart in here
Love was once a part, but now it's disappeared
She told me that it's all a part of the choices that your making
Even when you think you're right
You have to give to take

But there's still tomorrow
Forget the sorrow
And I can be on the last train home
Watch it pass the day
As it fades away
No more time to care
No more time, today

But we sing
If we're going nowhere
Yeah we sing
If it's not enough
And we sing
Sing without a reason
To ever fall in love

I wonder if you're listening
Picking up on the signals
Sent back from within
Sometimes it feels like I don't really know whats going on
Time and time again it seems like everything is wrong in here

But there's still tomorrow
Forget the sorrow
And I can be on the last train home
Watch it pass the day
As it fades away
No more time to care
No more time, today

But we sing
If we're going nowhere
Yeah we sing
If it's not enough
And we sing
Sing without a reason
To ever fall in love

Well we sing if we're going nowhere
Yeah we sing if it's not enough
And we sing
Sing without a reason to ever fall in love

But we sing
If we're going no where
Yeah we sing
If it's not enough
And we sing
Sing with out a reason to never fall in love
To never fall in love again

hmm.... huhh.... hmm...

Yeah, I know... I'm not an ent...

I hate Rolla. I don't just midly dislike it. I really hate it. Every second of every moment of my every ounce of existance in this hell of an establishment and hole of a town makes me linger for anything else.

I really hate it here. Then again, I could have had a shitty time with parents yelling alot of the weekend, and not enough time in Jenni's arms. And I guess I could just be pissed at everything else too... I don't know. I'm going to drink then go to bed.

Fucking Valentines Day

I don't Know what the fuck is the deal with this holiday.

You do what the fuck you can, and what do you do except make someones day miserable. I tried to do everything I could to make this day nice for Jenni, who came to visit me today, and nothing seemed to go right. So... I hate this fucking holiday.

I don't even feel like trying for it anymore. Every time I've ever tried to do something good for Valentines Day it has always blown up in my face. Fuck it. I'm done trying for it. It's a stupid commercial holliday just to point out the singles, and make them feel bad about them selves anyway.

I Hate Me.

Poem Something

Friday Night

The Pain is endless.
My head explodes in so many colors.
It hurts.

I'm alone again.
No one around.
My roommates gone.
I've run aground.

My brain swells inside.
The music washes it all away again.
It cleanses.

The music accompanies.
It gives me someone.
I'm glad thier gone.
The volume's done.

I want the radio to go higher.
The volume feels so good.
I know what it is I want.
I want it, her, and everything.

Life is blinding me.
I cannot see any more.
These things I know are here.
Why can I not see?

I can't see what is now.
The past blows it away.
In all of my mistakes I drown.
And again the taste's so foul.

The thought is all that's here.
I can feel it in my heart.
My eyes may be blinded.
But my mind causes the tear

... And the course of actions clear.

Poem Something Something...

Here again all alone,
Lost in the songs to which I'm prone.
Feeling their pain and thier joy,
Listening away the night.

I'm listening to the words,
Considering every verse.

I hear thier meaning,
I can see the source, thier being.
Don't know why I can't be happy,
Don't know why I fight.

I'm still listening to the words,
Considering every verse.

I would write a song,
Everyword would be so wrong.
To say what I need to say,
Would feel so incredibly right.

Screw You Guys, I"m Going Home

Something has been brewing inside of me. I don't know what it is, I don't know what is causing it, but something. I'm not feeling cool with me for some reason, I'm sick of being people's whipping boy, I'm sick of being a door mat.

I am none of those things, but people treat me like them. Sure I can help you do this, but only if... You Owe me this... I deserve you to help me...

All of it is burning me. These people are leaches, and it is bugging me to help them. I do, but anymore it is only to be some similance of normal and nice. Inside it brings me no joy, and it used to. Now it just leaves me with a bitter taste in my mouth every time.

When people are nice to me I have no problem being nice back to them, and I have no problem helping my friends. It's the people that I don't consider friends, that bother me with thier incessant nagging til I help them. I want to help them, but I want to tell them to fuck themselves at the same time.

Sorry I'm being so brutal tonight, I'm just sick of some things / people and taking it out on my computer the healthy way ... and the cheap way come to think of it cause monitors aren't cheap. But things are really going realitively well, with the exception of my being pissed at the human greedy mentality, School is good, Jenni is Great, Lots of HW but what are you going to do about it ... right?

"Sorry if I took a snap at ya. Fish gotta swim, birds gotta eat."

It's All Small Stuff

So I am having these HORRIBLE nightmares. I keep waking up and freaking the hell out for like a half an hour after I wake cause they are that bad. On average about two a night for the past four or five days. I don't really want to get into the content of these nightmares as it is kinda... Yeah just something I don't want to talk about. I'm not afraid of much, but these things haunt me in my sleep.

Some are memories actually...

Anywho. That is really weird, cause normally with nightmares I just wake up and go damn that was weird. These are causing like panic attack type things. Dunno. That's all the time I'll waste on that I guess though.

Jenni is coming down on Saturday for Snowball. I don't know if we are going to go or not. It is kinda a stupid thing to do. I have always hated dances, really it is just a reason to get her to come down and visit me. I can't wait. And to tell the truth, the way shit has been going I really just need to hold her for a while.

Word to the wise. Anyone fucks this weekend up, shit will hit the fan. I've had so much random shit thrown at me lately, I almost want someone to piss me off enough to go off on them so that I can relieve myself of the pressure building up.

...

Jenni's bosses may have just passed her over for another promotion. If they have I'll be seriously pissed off at that place, and I will convince her and everyone else I know there to quit and file complaints. That would be shitty, assinie, and retarded for people younger than her to get promoted even though she is the oldest that hasn't been, and people younger than her are higher ranked, she has worked there for like three years, and no one else near that long, and yeah it would be retarded.

I don't know. Just another thing I guess.

Shouldn't sweat the small stuff, and I know ...

It's all small stuff.

Goodnight

It's bad when you know people care, but don't feel good ... isn't it?

I don't know why but the last two days I've been really weird feeling, like really really weird feeling. I don't think I'll ever be able to really describe the feelings I have properly to where people will understand what I'm talking about, it's just not the way I should be feeling.

Things are going well, Jenni is fantastic, Bobby is doing well, My family is great. Nothing's wrong. So why do I feel like things are awry? Why do I feel like the world is out to get me, and that everything that's worth doing is fake? There isn't any reason to feel that. Isn't any reason to feel the way I'm feeling, but here I am. Maybe I just need some sleep... Sweet sleep that doen't embrace me near enough... Dunno.

I'm going to bed. Night.

Evanescence : You

The words have been drained from this pencil
Sweet words that I want to give you
And I can't sleep
I need to tell you
Goodnight

When we're together, I feel perfect
When I'm pulled away from you, I fall apart
All you say is sacred to me
Your eyes are so blue
I can't look away

As we lay in the stillness
You whisper to me
Amy, marry me
Promise you'll stay with me

Oh you don't have to ask me
You know you're all that I live for
You know I'd die just to hold you
Stay with you

Somehow I'll show you
That you are my night sky
I've always been right behind you
Now I'll always be right beside you
So many nights I cried myself to sleep
Now that you love me, I love myself

I never thought I would say this
I never thought there'd be
You

Evanescence - Forgive Me Lyrics

Can you forgive me again
I don't know what I said
But I didn't mean to hurt you

I heard the words come out
I felt that I would die
It hurts so much to hurt you

Then you look at me
You're not shouting anymore
You're silently broken

I'd give anything now
To kill those words for you

Each time I say something I regret
I cry, I don't want to lose you
But somehow I know that you will never leave me

Cause you were made for me
Somehow I'll make you see
How happy you make me
I can't live this life
Without you by my side
I need you to survive

So stay with me
You look in my eyes and I'm screaming inside
That I'm sorry

And you forgive me again
You're my one true friend
And I never meant to hurt you

Weird

I am feeling weird. I don't know how to explain it. It isn't depressed. It isn't ... Anything else I've felt before. It's just weird.

The general feeling is that of: Not doing my best, Disappointing people, failing, and hurting someone. I don't know why I would be feeling this way either. It's really weird. Seeing Jenni and Bobby this weekend should help I would imagine.

I don't know though. Whatever, it really doesn't matter. I don't think anything bad will come of this really, though I can't guarentee the thought hadn't crossed my mind, but I don't think anything will.

We'll have to see what happens tomorrow. Maybe I'm just in a funk of some sort. Maybe it will just disappear. Right, and maybe the Vertigo will Disappear with it...

I'll Break Your Fucking Face Tonight

I hate this damn blogger.

I'm going to do something stupid now.

Whatever.

And what the Fuck's with These Frogs?

Feeling Plagued lately? hehehe

So... Update time again. And not too terribly much to report.

Study is complete with the floors, just need finished baseboards and doors to put up and it will be a useable room again. I am gearing up and excited about the potential of being able to actually lay floor again as opposed to the stupid associated jobs that my mom keeps coming up with. I am effectively refinishing the entire upstairs, and it kinda pisses me off...

I have been going through some of my shit in my room. I keep finding all this little memoribilia of simpler times. It's kinda odd. I see these things, and they remind me of so long ago. Remember the Aerosmiths : Big Ones coming out on tape and being excited? I do as I found the tape earlier today. Just things like that, things that strike a memory. Not good or bad, slightly nostalgic.

I got really down new years eve. Jenni and I went to this thing at her church with her parents. We were all drinking, Catholics... Gotta love that part, and I started to feel kinda bad. Not like sick bad, but down bad. It was strange, lately I havn't felt that way, but this was sudden and powerful. I felt like everything was wrong, that I had done so much evil, and I was overwhelmed with these feelings. I just sorta held Jenni for the remainder of the party, then we left back to her house. Her parents went inside and we talked for a long time. I won't get into the specifics, but she and I did talk about the whole break up thing. And I told her how bad I felt about it and she made me see that while it wasn't pleasant, it was all but necessary. We needed it to be able to care about each other as much as we do, and to be able to spend forever with each other. It is really strange to me how being apart, not talking, not knowing a damn thing can make us that much closer. I see that we are both more mature, but I never would have thought that I would be proposing that quickly. It makes me infinitely happy where I am with her right now though. I'm rambling so now details on what happened to me tonight.

I went over to see Jenni and all, things were not going to great with Noelle her ferret. She's really sick. So we just watched over it for a while. Then we went out for a while, then back to the house where she is house sitting. We were watching TV waiting for Crossing Jordan which is really funny if you have never seen it, and it turned out it wasn't on for another hour. So we waited, then it came on, it was good and right after she said I'm hungry. I asked her what she wanted, she didn't know and I started to get alittle peeved when she finally said just a Big Mac. I drove to Mc Donalds, got out and went in. When I got to the door, the door said "Cash Only; Thanks Mgmt." I walked in and checked to make sure this was still valid, then returned to my car to get some change to supplement my two dollars. I got back inside, placed the order, then realized that I had left my keys in the car. I called Jenni, and got her to bring up a coat hanger, then broke into my car really quick. I gave her the food, then ran really quick to Walmart to pick up something that I needed, when I got out of Walmart I see this car with it's headlights pointed right at my front passenger fender. I get over there and ask if I can help the cabbie, I noticed this when I was close, and he goes "Oh, well, It was wet and ... I'm sorry I htt your car."

My only thought "This Mother Fucker is DEAD."

I get around to the other side of my car... No damage. Not even scraped off paint from his car. I look at the front of his car... All FUCKED up. I laughed and pointed at the front of his car. As I was on my way back to the drivers side of the car I told the guy, "have fun explaining all that to your boss." Then I drove off. Dumb ass.

There was some other shit tonight I think, but I don't remember really. Whatever.

So I have thought about stuff lately. Back in freshman year of college, my dad suggested that I put together a list of my priorities. I did this, and it was the way I thought things should be organized. But they have been changing for a while, I guess they always do I don't really know to tell the truth, but anyway I don't really know for sure anymore what ranks where. Jenni is first, School is above most, but I can't put a definite order on things, which makes sense I guess.

I guess that is all I really have. I came up with what to do for Jenni for Valentines Day. It will be cool I think. I hope she'll like it anyway. And that's it. I'm going back to bed.

Cause perfect doesn't feel so perfect...

Eh.. Sigh I guess...

I'm restless.
I'm worn.
I tried to sleep.
No matter, I'm torn.

I can't fall asleep. I have tried, and I just can't. I think that I need something to help me sleep...

beer.

Too bad I don't have any and my parents won't allow it in thier house. And they wouldn't want me drinking anyway. I don't think alot of people would want me drinking as I'm not with anyone, but I'm sure I could spawn some more personalities so I wasn't alone...

I'm exhausted.
I'm sore.
Ever part hurts.
Everythings a bore.

My body is exhausted. I have been working on the damn house now for over a week. I have only seen Jenni like five hours since Christmas, and the rest of the time I've been working on the flooring (well and all the other jobs that my mom has devised).

I havn't figured out how, but I am definitely wanting to get back into cycling shape now. Maybe I'll start eating healthier dinners at night, eat whatever at TJ for lunch, and just a snack bar or something for Breakfast. Dunno. And I guess I could ride the stationary bike at TJ. I just wish I could ride a real bike, the weather has been fantastic lately.

I need to do something... I still don't know what, but something is bugging me. Something is nagging me in the back of the mind telling me that I should be doing something different. Something is calling me.

...

So... Thought change now...

...

My car still hasn't been worked on. It is really pissing me off. I spent 600 some odd bucks at Firestone the other day for new tires, lifetime alignment, and bearings repacking. But still my engine sits the same condition. Still chugging gas, tank still leaking it I'm sure.

Hmm... I dunno.

Something has been bothering me lately. Everytime I start to fall asleep, everytime my mind is left to wander unhindered I see Jenni leaving Denny's in tears cause I had broken up with her. She and I are engaged, happy... Life with her is great right now. Why am I still plagued with these images? (rethorical question, I don't really want guesses here I don't think) Do our bad choices haunt us for the rest of our life? Am I going to forever regret letting go of her? Even if I still have her and she doesn't resent me for it a bit? If she is okay with it having happened, if she sees why it was necessary, if she understands... Why can't I?

I know this is all worthless prattle, but still. Still it bothers me, and only me. I can't believe the mistake I made that day, and so I can't let go of it. I need to find some way to be with her now, not get married in a year and a half, get married in a half, or sooner. Cause when I'm with her, I don't feel this way. When I'm with her, I see the benifit that came of our being apart. I see how much closer we are for it. And if I don't, she is always there to keep my spirits up if I do start to worry about it. And she can remind me how things are different now, how I'm not without her.

Now I really don't know, and now it really is worthless prattle I'm sure. But It's something... It's something.

We'll have to see I suppose what tomorrow, and the new year it delivers, brings for me. Hopefully it is unfaltering, unshakeable happiness. That would be nice.

Remember the light at the end of the tunnel may be you... Goodnight.

Flooring and General Bitching

I am really starting to hate this flooring shit. Everytime it seems like I am about to be able to make progress, NOPE. Something else I have to do before I can continue installing the floor.

Not only that, but I still havn't gotten the car parts I need. My parents promised them to me for Christmas, but they havn't gotten around to ordering them. Kinda pisses me off. Not as much as them changing thier minds every thirty seconds about what to do with the floor though.

I havn't gotten to see much of Jenni lately, incase anyone completely random reads this, that is my Fiance. Her work schedule causes her to work nights alot, and mine... Well let's just say that sometimes parents suck. And if you ever plan on doing a job for your parents, Get a contract. I am sick of all the little jobs that just keep getting added on. Is my compensation going up? NO. Am I getting yelled at everyday that it is taking too long? YES.

Grumble grumble... Cuss cuss...

I need shaka buku. (if you don't get it watch Gross Point Blank)

I need something different. I need to be able to sleep in Jenni's arms. Maybe then my nightmares would finally stop and I could sleep. I need to get away from my lack of money. I need to get my car painted. More so though I need to get it running properly. It's a Firebird. I want it to run like one damnit.

I need to lose more weight. I need to get in shape. I need to lose the FUCKING GOD DAMN VERTIGO.

...

Sorry. I really hate it though.

And so. I have no idea. I havn't done anything over break except work on my parents house. If you feel like I'm neglicting you, I'm not. I'm just too busy all day long doing shit to help pay for next semester. And If you wanna hang, I'm pretty much so free from ... say 10PM til 3AM ... Though not always.

I did get a pretty sweet pocket watch for Christmas though. It was from Jenni's parents, it was one like I've been wanting for a long time. The ones that you can see the gears inside moving. I am so excited about it. That and the anticipation of another semester of school have me really psyched. I want to take a class at RTI if I can next semester too. A car body class, or a car painting class. I think it would be fun. Though I don't know how that would work as I would also like to get straight A's next semester if I can.

We'll have to see I suppose. If anyone has a suggestion on how to make money easy, I'm open to such hints.

Otherwise. I think I'm going to go on to bed.

Goodnight all.

Grades

I just found out I got a 36/40 on my Final for Geo 50. I should be happy, it's a 90 percent. But It's a crappy score, I should have had a 40 or better, but I couldn't spell his name for the extra credit. I should be getting straight A's. This shit isn't that hard.

Though I did get A's in surveying, and Pyro so far. That's good, and I'm anticipating an A in my Computers in Mining class too. So... We'll have to see how Geo 50 and Psychology pan out I guess...

We'll see...

God I'm pissed at myself.

Poem 13 (Short One)

Cry a tear for the one you knew.
Bleed a drop for everything you do.
Drop off all the things you now persue.
And in the morning will the grass,
Still be blessed with its dew?

Misery on a Monday

So it is raining.
I think it's a good day.

When did I start to believe that?

Anywho...

The day was cold, he was growing colder. Winter was falling in quickly, and with the wonderful happy sunlight blocked out by the RayBans everything was right with the world. Life just wasn't the same when she wasn't around; when times were rough and life was rough she was the beacon that blasted through the darkness.

He wished, not for the first hopefully not for the last, that he could just be there with her. He wished for her arms around him, her lips to his, his heart with hers. If only for a moment. But every moment would lead to more longing, and every longing thought would bring more love for her. But for now, he was alone.

No he hadn't, but he had thought to. He had longed to. He wanted to. But the will was stronger than the desire tonight, and he knew that he would be with her again soon. That when he saw her once again on Friday, that when he could talk to her on the phone later that evening everything would seem to be right with the world again.

And all these thoughts would again fade away to nothing. It fades into the empty ether of his heart. And all that’s left is to burn.